Fable: Guild of Zeros
by Liquid
Summary: <html><head></head>Prepare yourselves for a shameless parody of "Fable: The Lost Chapters" in which the Hero of Oakvale is a young man named Chris who has absolutely no potential as a hero. Can he somehow still manage to save Albion?</html>
1. Prologue Life in Oakvale

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Prologue: Life in Oakvale**

_A long time ago, deep in the forests of Albion, lay the quiet, inbred, redneck town of Oakvale. There lived a boy named Chris and his family. The boy spent most of his time daydreaming, and would imagine himself as a noble knight or a powerful wizard, or sometimes he would even imagine himself as an evil warrior. But none of these daydreams could possibly prepare him for the destiny that awaited him._

"Wake the fuck up!" Father screamed as he grabbed Chris by the shirt.

This was a bit disorienting for the boy; having been sitting on the steps daydreaming one moment, and then getting picked up and kicked in the ass by his father the next. He got a mouthful of dirt as he slid across the ground, and a few passing villagers chuckled as he sat up to spit it out.

"All right, you little bastard." Father continued as he reached the door. "Today is your worthless whore of a sister's birthday, but I spent the money for her present on booze, which means that it's all up to you. Now get out there, and don't come back until you give that little bitch a present."

Father slammed the door shut, and Chris got to his feet while brushing the dirt from his clothes. He had no money, nor anything to trade with, but this was not going to hinder him on his quest. For he had been charged with a great responsibility, and his family was depending on him, so with a hero's determination, he set out into town.

"Hey, you!" A little girl yelled as she ran toward him. "You took Rosie, didn't you?! Give me back my teddy bear!"

Chris was about to as what she was talking about, but was unable to as the girl picked up speed before slam-tackling him to the ground. He screamed as she scratched him and pulled his hair, but this only made it get worse as she began to slap him and bash his head into the dirt.

"Get used to it, kid." An old man sitting on the bench said. "Someday you'll be _married_ to one of those."

Well, he now could add marriage to the list of things he was dreading in life, but that did not help Chris in his current situation as the girl continued to pummel him. Suddenly she stopped just as quickly as the attack had started, and had a confused look on her face as she moved away from him.

"Hold on, I don't even _have_ a teddy bear." She said as she stood up. "What kind of a sick game are you trying to play with me, you pervert?!"

She kicked him in the side while he was getting up, making him fall over as she ran away, but then something shiny caught Chris's eye as a gold coin fell out of her pocket. Getting to his feet as quickly as he could, the boy picked up the coin and was about to call after her to return it, but decided not too since she would probably attack him again.

"I guess that's one." He said as he put it into his own pocket.

Now able to continue on his way toward the center of town, where hopefully he would find a trader who could sell him a decent present, his walk was soon stopped once again. There at the corner of the path was one of the few traces of evil that could be found in Oakvale, and it came in the form of a big guy smacking a little kid around.

"You little dweeb." The big guy scolded as he smacked the kid. "You better have a lot more gold on you than that, or I'm gonna have to make you _very_ unhappy today."

"Please, stop!" The kid whined. "I don't have any more gold, I swear!"

If there was anything that Chris couldn't stand, it was a bully. This poor kid was just trying to enjoy life, and this evil little punk was going out of his way to cause people pain. Chris now made it his personal mission to stop this injustice, so with heroic resolve, he walked right up to him.

"Hey, asshole!" He yelled as he spun the guy around to face him. "You the hell do you think you are, picking on him like that?!"

"I'm Evander Holyfield." The big guy immediately replied. "Who the fuck are you?"

He then punched Chris in the stomach, followed by an uppercut that actually made the boy do a backflip before landing a small mud puddle. Evander Holyfield got a good laugh at this before taking the kid's gold, and he walked away as the kid went up to Chris.

"Thanks a lot, dick-cheese." He said as Chris tried to get up. "That was just... I mean, I've never... crap, how do you even_ live _with yourself?"

He kicked some more mud onto Chris before also walking away, but as he was getting up, Chris's hand moved onto something metal. Slowly pulling the object from the puddle and wiping the mud off, the boy's eyes lit up as he realized that he had found another gold coin.

"That's two." He said as he put it in his pocket. "I'm really on a roll today."

Finally making his way into town, Chris sighed with relief as he saw that the trader was still there. He was near the steps of the tavern, and the boy was prepared to fulfill his quest of getting his sister a present, when he was interrupted yet again, by a somewhat desperate looking man who appeared to be doing a strange little dance.

"Hey, kid!" He yelled. "Can you do me a favor?"

"I guess so." Chris replied, never one to refuse a person in need. "What do you need me to do?"

The man beckoned him closer, and once Chris got there, he pointed a short distance away towards a small barn where some chickens were walking around. There were a large wooden box in front of it, but nothing more.

"I need to, uh, you know... take an ungodly shit." The man explained. "All I need you to do is stand next to that box and don't move, but whatever you do... don't open it."

With that, the man ran off as fast as he could without soiling himself, and Chris did his best to be a good guard. He had to admit that he was a little curious about what was in the box, but at the same time he was determined to not let the man down. So he just turned away from it, but a few seconds later another little kid walked up to him.

"I dare you to open the box." The kid said as he pointed at it. "Unless you're too scared. That's it, isn't it? You're a scared little bitch who should be wearing a dress and calling yourself _Christina_."

The kid started laughing at him so hard that he fell to his hands and knees before throwing up, and this pushed Chris over the edge. Of all the things that he could possibly be, a chicken was not one of them, so he pulled open the box, noticing only at the last second that the side was labeled: Danger: Live Tasmanian Devil.

He screamed as a claw reached out and pulled him into the box, and the other kid ran away as the box jumped and spun around a few times until a tattered and bruised Chris was tossed back out. The claw then reached back out and pulled the box closed, allowing Chris to get back to his feet just as the man returned.

"Thanks, kid." The man said. "I didn't make it, and this is my only pair of trousers, but I guess I still owe you for helping me."

He tossed Chris a gold coin, and turned around, allowing Chris to see the nasty brown stain across his rear as he walked away a little bow-legged. The good news was that now the boy had three whole coins to spend, and now he was certain that he could afford a present. So not wanting to get interrupted again, he quickly sprinted over to the trader.

"Welcome." The trader said as he approached. "Got some good things on sale, stranger."

"Um." Chris nervously replied. "I need to buy my sister a present for her birthday."

The trader said nothing as he slightly opened his coat, and after searching around for a few seconds, he pulled out a small box with a pretty bow on top.

"Here you are, stranger." He continued. "A box of chocolates, guaranteed to put a smile on any sister's face, especially since each one is laced with LSD."

"I'll take them." Chris replied.

The box was exchanged for all three of his coins, and Chris immediately ran off toward the north side of town where his sister was sitting in a small field. She appeared to be playing with some dolls, and also with some matches as Chris approached.

"As you can see, Malibu Barbie." Theresa said as she lit the match. "There is nothing you possess that I cannot take away. Now watch as your precious Ken goes up in flames, ha-ha-ha."

"Hi, Theresa!" Chris shouted as he entered the field. "I got you a present!"

The girl quickly snatched the box from his hands, tore it open, and began to gobble down every last one. Soon the chocolates were nothing but a fond memory, and Theresa wiped the remains from her mouth onto her sleeve while letting out a belch that would have put the town drunk to shame.

"Thank you, Chris." She said while discarding the box. "But don't think for a second that this will get you out of your daily ass-kicking."

"I know." He replied sadly as he turned around.

She pulled her leg back and gave him a swift boot to the rear that sent him stumbling forward into a nearby scarecrow, and her laughter erupted as he and it both went down. As always, the boy got up and hung his head as he walked away from her, but he was just about to leave the field when she stopped him.

"Wait... there's something wrong." She warned. "You better go check it out, Chris."

She then pushed him onto the path that led back to town, just in time to see a very large fat man running toward him.

"Bandits!" The fat man screamed. "Bandits! Oh, no... so weak... haven't eaten in... fifteen minutes."

The fat man stopped to catch his breath, but then cried out as an arrow flew into his back. He stumbled forward, and Chris tried to get out of the way, but it was too late. The fat man fell right on top of him, trapping the boy, but also hiding him from sight as a large group of bandits came running toward the town.


	2. Chapter 1 The Guild of Heroes

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 1: The Guild of Heroes**

_Evil had come to Oakvale. Bandits wielding swords, whips, chains, and various sexual torture devices stormed the village, killing everyone they found. And then they came to the last house, where the boy and his family lived... for it was them that they were searching for. The father was a drunken half-wit who was easily killed, while the mother and sister were taken away, but even though they were tortured, they couldn't save themselves because neither could remember where the boy had run off to._

Several hours passes as the boy struggled to push the dead fat man off of himself, and after failing about a hundred times, he finally managed to crawl out from under him. This was a great relief, since he had begun to believe that he was going to die under there, and as he caught his breath, he started to notice that things around him had changed. For instance; it was now night time, and the screams of villagers filled the air as their homes slowly burned down.

The boy decided that the best thing to do was go home, so he stepped over several bodies as he made his way all the way back to his house, which was also burning, where the first thing he saw was his father lying on the ground. The man was unresponsive as Chris called out to him and shook his arm, but then the truth dawned on him as he sunk to his knees and began to cry.

"What the hell are _you_ bawling for?!" Father suddenly yelled, making Chris jump up. "This is all _your_ fault, anyway!"

"Father, you're all right!" Chris exclaimed happily. "I thought you were dead!"

The boy went to hug him, and his father returned this affection by shoving him backwards hard enough to make Chris fall down. The man then reached behind his back, grunted painfully as he struggled with something, and then cried out in a mixture of pain and relief as he produced an empty whiskey bottle.

"You see this, you little ball-sack?!" Father yelled as he held it out. "This was shoved up my ass... I say again, _shoved_ _up my ass _because of you. Then they bent your mother over the table and...

His father's words became an agonized groan as an arrow suddenly tore its way into his chest, and he died just as Chris looked up to see a bandit running toward him with a sword raised. Out of shock and terror, the boy fell down backwards just as a bolt of lightning flew past him, slamming into the bandit's chest. There was nothing the man could do as he was sent flying backwards into one of the burning houses, and then Chris turned around to see an older man with glowing tattoos standing behind him.

"Damn, I missed him." He grumbled as he walked toward him. "Wait a second... hmm... it isn't safe here, we must leave."

He reached down and grabbed the boy's hand as they were both engulfed by a shiny white light, and when it faded away a few seconds later, he realized that they were somewhere else. The burning village and screaming people were gone, replaced by a peaceful field, but there was no time to admire this as Chris's stomach suddenly felt like it was doing backflips.

"Oh, don't be such a girl." The older man continued as the boy threw up all over the ground. "You'll have to be stronger than that if you want to survive the hell that is about to become your life."

Maybe it was anger or confusion that suddenly caused the boy to take a wild swing at him, but the older man stopped this by putting his hand on Chris's head to keep him far enough away for the punches to miss. This went on for a few seconds, and then the older man let go while stepping off to the side, causing the boy to run right past him to where he tripped over his own two feet.

"Perhaps we should start again." The older man said. "My name is Maze, and I'm the head of the _Guild of Heroes_. You may not realize it yet, but I just saved your life... and if its revenge you want, then you will need the training that only _we_ can offer. Come along."

Maze started walking down a dirt road, and Chris followed him once he got to his feet. They went down a small hill to a very large and grand looking building, where the heavy double-doors opened by themselves as they approached. Inside was a grand entryway filled with staircases and pillars, and at the center was an enormous map of the entire Kingdom of Albion. There were also a few other children standing near the opposite wall, and this was where the boy was being taken.

"Wait here with the others." Maze ordered as he walked away. "In a few minutes you will meet the Guildmaster, who will be in charge of your training. Best of luck, all."

With that, Maze was gone, and a few minutes later the doors on the far side of the room were kicked open, and from them came another man who did not quite look to be as old as Maze, but wasn't exactly a spring chicken. The whole room grew quiet as he glared disapprovingly at the children, and then he sighed deeply while shaking his head.

"All right, retards, listen up." He began. "I am Guildmaster Weaver, your Senior Drill Instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the last words out of your disgusting pie-holes will_ always _be Guildmaster. Do you little ass-snorkels understand me?"

"Yes, Guildmaster." The children all said in unison, although nervously.

He walked around for a second, as if sizing up each one individually as he moved past, and then Chris swallowed hard as the Guildmaster suddenly stopped in front of him.

"What are you supposed to be, a circus clown?" He asked. "What the hell is your name, scumbag?"

"Chris, Guildmaster." The boy quickly replied.

In response to this, the Guildmaster folded his arms and appeared to be deep in thought as he turned around, only to make Chris jump as he spun back around just as quickly.

"I don't like it." He continued. "From now on your name is Chicken Chaser. Do you like that name?"

The boy started to respond, but was stopped as the Guildmaster smacked him in the face hard enough to make him fall over sideways.

"Trick question, I don't give a frog's fat ass what any of you _like_." The Guildmaster continued. "From now on your sorry asses are the property of the Guild, which means that you will not laugh, you will not cry; you will learn by the numbers I will teach you. Now get on your feet and don't fuck with me again, Chicken Chaser."

Chris got up as the Guildmaster resumed his original walk along the line of children, and although he was relieved to no longer be the center of attention, the boy got mixed feelings when the Guildmaster stopped in front of a pretty girl who had dark skin.

"And what do we have here?" The Guildmaster asked as he looked at her. "If you think you're gonna have it easy just because you're a girl, then you're in for a rude God damn awakening. What the hell is your name, shithead?"

"Whisper, Guildmaster." She replied.

Again he folded his arms and looked deep in thought as he turned around, and just as he had done with Chris, he turned back around just as quickly.

"I actually... kind of like that." The Guildmaster continued. "Too bad for you that I don't ever _like_ things that I like, and as punishment for causing me such anguish, you get to share a room with Chicken Chaser. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it."

The girl glared angrily at Chris as the Guildmaster walked away from the group, and then he turned back to face them once he was standing in front of the map.

"All right, you silly asses." He said. "Once I leave, you will head up the stairs, where you will find your names written on the entrances to your assigned rooms. I hope you all get lots of sleep tonight, because tomorrow the hard stuff begins."

With that, he walked out the same door he had come in from, and slammed it hard enough to make a portrait fall down from the wall. A moment later everyone walked up the stairs to find their rooms, and it didn't take long for the boy to find the one that he was to share with Whisper. He couldn't believe his luck, getting put in the same room as such a pretty girl, and who knew what could happen?

"That's _my_ bed." Whisper said as Chris walked toward one.

He was always taught to let girls have their way, and he didn't want to seem like a jerk, so he moved away from the first bed since there was another one on the other side of the room.

"That's my bed, _too_." She continued.

"I don't understand." The boy replied. "If these are both yours, then where am I supposed to sleep? The floor?"

Whisper shrugged as she laid down on the first bed, and as soon as she closed her eyes he started to get into the second one. However, this was stopped when she let out a sharp whistle, and Chris turned around just in time for the heel of her flying boot to strike him in the mouth. He gasped in surprise and pain as he fell to the floor, and for now he thought that it might be a good idea to stay there for now.

"That's better." She said as she laid back down. "Goodnight, Chicken Chaser."


	3. Chapter 2 Training Begins

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 2: Training Begins**

Going to sleep on the same night that his home and family were destroyed was not an easy thing to do, but eventually the boy managed to get his eyes to stay closed for what felt like only minutes before something hit him in the face. He opened his eyes just in time to see something white coming at him again before a similar impact, and after a few more he was awake enough to see that it was Whisper hitting him with a pillow.

"It's time to wake up." She scolded as the hitting continued. "We're supposed to meet the Guildmaster at the map room downstairs. Last one there has to do my chores for the next ten years."

There was no way that Chris was going to lose to her, especially after the way she had been treating him since they met, and even though she had a head start, he was sure that he could win as he jumped up from the floor. This confidence was quickly shattered, however, as he fell on his face and looked back to see that she had tied his feet to the nearby bed.

It took some struggling and a lot of effort, but eventually he got free and ran out of the room. The map room was just down the stairs, so he got there as fast as he could without tripping again, and arrived at the map of Albion... to find the room empty. The others must have left without him, meaning that he was in trouble, but all was not lost, since maybe he could find them on his own.

Wandering through the halls of the Guild of Heroes, the boy quickly found himself lost as he got all turned around and ended at the bottom of another staircase where voices could be heard on the second floor. It was possible that whoever was up there could help him find the others, so he went up while trying not to interrupt the conversation that Maze was having with a... what?

"The journey's length is of no consequence." A bandaged man who actually looked more like a corpse said. "My stomach has for too long been separated from the glory of _White Castle_, and I must get a cheeseburger before I lose my mind up in here."

"Are you sure, Scythe?" Maze replied. "Some might say that you are just being a whiner... you know how people talk."

Scythe shrugged as he was engulfed in the same white light that had allowed Chris to escape from Oakvale, making the dead-looking man vanish. Chris was about to ask Maze for help finding the Guildmaster, but was stopped as the older man suddenly picked up an empty whiskey bottle and tossed it at him.

"You eavesdropping little shit-weasel!" He yelled as the bottle shattered against the wall. "Get the fuck out of my room before I take off my belt!"

The boy ran down the stairs and through a short hallway that brought him to the rear courtyard of the Heroes Guild where apprentices were training, and random people were just kind of walking around. He kept running as he crossed a small bridge, and came to a sudden stop when he ended up right in front of the Guildmaster.

"Good morning, sweetheart." The Guildmaster said. "Nice of you to finally grace us with your presence."

None of the other children were around, which meant that they were probably finished already, and the Guildmaster seemed to be in an especially foul mood, so the boy did his best to come up with an excuse that would make him see that it wasn't his fault about being late.

"I got lost, Guildmaster." Was the only thing Chris could think to say.

"Oh, is that all?" The Guildmaster replied. "Then all is forgiven. Hell, I like you, Chicken Chaser. We should party sometime."

For a moment Chris allowed himself to relax, but then the Guildmaster pulled back his leg and kicked him in the nuts, making the boy's face turn green for a second as he was lifted off his feet.

"You little scumbag!" The Guildmaster continued as the boy fell to his hands and knees. "I got your name, I got your _ass_! Now get on your feet and get into the melee ring before you make my _Agent Orange _act up!"

The boy got up as quickly as he could, and scrambled over a short wall that the Guildmaster was pointing toward. Once inside he found that he was in a small dirt-filled circle with the only other feature being a propped up scarecrow in the center.

"All right, this is a test of your overall worthiness to breathe my oxygen on a daily basis." The Guildmaster explained. "It's real simple: Just go over there and beat that stupid looking scarecrow like you just found out it porked your prom-date."

Not wanting to get in any more trouble, the boy immediately ran over to the scarecrow and began to beat it with his fists. He used all of his strength and everything he knew, but the scarecrow was barely moving.

"What the hell are you doing, Chicken Chaser?" The Guildmaster asked. "Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to break your foot off in a mother fucker's ass?"

"Well... no, Guildmaster." Chris replied sadly.

He expected to be yelled at again, but instead the Guildmaster just rolled his eyes and sighed deeply as he shook his head.

"Okay, it's not hard." The Guildmaster continued. "The first thing you should know is that it is prudent to strike your opponent with an open hand, and remember that it is demoralizing to your opponent if you repeatedly chant _who's your daddy _with every hit like it's your frickin mantra. Ready... go."

With new determination, the boy opened his hand and slapped the scarecrow in the face, and to his surprise it turned to the side. However, it was on a spring, so it came back just as quickly with its own face-slap that stung like crazy as Chris fell onto the ground.

"Christ on a cross, Chicken Chaser, you suck at life." The Guildmaster scolded. "I think I've had about all I can handle of you for the day, so get the fuck away from me, and tomorrow we'll...

The Guildmaster trailed off as the sound of what appeared to be pots and pans clanging together started to resound from the small forested area at the very back of the guild. The apprentices and trainers around the courtyard dropped their weapons and ran away to the safety of the building, and this did not give the boy a good feeling at all.

"What was that?" Chris asked.

"The Guild Alarm." The Guildmaster explained. "It means that something must be loose in the woods, and it might be really dangerous, so take this stick and go and investigate."

At first the boy thought that the Guildmaster was messing with him, but then his heart sank when the older man handed him a wooden stick and pointed toward a trail that led into the trees. He wanted to protest, since he had not yet gotten any training, but the Guildmaster narrowed his eyebrows at him as a sure sign that there was no getting out of this.

The alarm had stopped by the time that the boy moved past the tree line after taking the stick, and after carefully making his way across a small stream and up the hill, he realized that there was nothing there. Maybe the monster had already moved on, or perhaps the alarm had gone off by mistake, but either way he was alone.

Chris was just about to head back, when a soft sound stopped him in his tracks. It was a sort of clicking and buzzing that was slowly getting closer, and when the boy finally turned around, he saw two giant beetles crawling out of a fallen log. These weren't exactly the kinds of things that a hero in training would be sent to deal with, but since he was already there...

"Hero time!" He yelled as he leapt at them.

With a mighty cry of battle, the boy raised the stick over his head and brought it down with all of his ferocity. Sure, these things weren't monsters, but it would be good practice to crush a few bugs just the same. His victory was assured as the stick flew toward the first bug's head, but then the boy gasped as it caught the stick in its jaws and pulled it out of his hands.

"What the fuck are you thinking, Ese?!" It yelled as it tossed the stick away. "You got a death-wish or something?"

"Oh, so _white boy_ here likes to hit people with sticks for no reason, huh?" The other one asked. "Let's show him what we do to piece of shit gringos who fuck with us on our own turf."

Meanwhile, the Guildmaster was waiting just outside the Guild Woods for Chris to return, and he shook his head when the screaming started. This went on for a few seconds, and then he had to step out of the way as the boy came running down the trail. His clothes were torn and he had some bruises that were forming, but he had survived.

"And stay out, homes!" The first beetle yelled as Chris fell to his knees with exhaustion. "If you ever come back, we'll fucking cut you!"

The boy was about to get up and report what had happened, but was stopped as the older burst out laughing. This was followed by the rest of the apprentices, trainers, and even the people randomly walking around joining in on the laughter.

"I can't believe we got you with that one." The Guildmaster laughed. "_Go check out the Guild Woods on your first day_... aw, man, Chicken Chaser, you really _are_ a dumbshit. We haven't gotten anyone with that one in years. Now get out of here and get some rest... tomorrow the _really_ hard stuff begins."

The laughter continued as he got to his feet and brushed himself off, and it still had not stopped by the time that he had gotten back to his room.


	4. Chapter 3 Skill Set

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 3: Skill Set**

_Try as he might, the boy just couldn't grasp even the most basic of skills needed to be a hero, even though his days were filled with the Guildmaster's torture, and his nights with study in the library. Soon the Guild was his life, but his mind always returned to the flames of Oakvale, and how someday he would get revenge for his home and family._

After a few years of sleeping on the floor, the boy was getting used to it, so sleeping became easier to do. In fact it was so easy that he became frequently late, and needed some encouragement from his roommate to get up... in the form of a bucket of water getting dumped on his head.

"Why the hell can you never wake up on time?" Whisper demanded as he choked and flopped around. "Are you _trying_ to get the Guildmaster to stomp you again? Anyway, it's time for training, so race you."

She took off running out of the room, and Chris was determined to win this time, so he went after her as fast as he could, only to fall on his face as he realized that once again, she had tied his feet to the bed.

"I can't believe you fell for that one _again_." She laughed from the end of the hall. "Seriously, that's like the tenth time, Chicken Chaser."

As always, Whisper was gone by time he freed himself, and was probably already with the Guildmaster by the time he got downstairs. At least now he knew his way around the Guild, and was able to quickly get out into the back courtyard, but stopped when he saw two other apprentices that appeared to be arguing.

"I'm the fastest Apprentice in the Guild." The first one bragged.

"Oh, Christ, here we go again." The second one replied.

The boy's curiosity was peaked, so he walked over to where they were standing next to the small creek that ran through the center of the courtyard.

"Are you really the fastest?" Chris asked as he reached them.

"I certainly am." The first Apprentice bragged. "I will now beat every record in history as I run to that demon door and back... there, I just did it. Now get out of my sight, _snail_."

He suddenly pushed Chris backwards, making the boy gasp as he fell into the water. The other two apprentices were long gone by the time that he managed to get back out, but then he looked up to see the angry face of the Guildmaster.

"What in the hell is your issue, Chicken Chaser?" He demanded. "No, you know what, I don't care. Maze says that you shouldn't be passed to the next level, but I'm tired of looking at your goofy ass, so get into the melee ring."

The boy climbed over the short wall into the sandy circle, but instead of a scarecrow waiting for him, it was Whisper who stood at the center. She was holding a wooden staff, and Chris was about to ask what was going on, when the Guildmaster handed him a sword.

"The rules are simple, Chicken Chaser." He explained. "Your goal is to hit Whisper as many times as you can, and remember... you won't often get the chance to smack around a woman who pisses you off, so make it count."

Now, Chris considered himself a good person, so he had no intention of hurting Whisper at all. He would keep the Guildmaster happy by fighting with her, but he would only do enough to put her in her place and finally get her to allow him to sleep in a bed... or maybe even _her_ bed. However, the boy had barely gotten ready, when she was on him.

Easily knocking the sword from his hand with her staff, she hit him in the stomach with the other end, and then used it to sweep his feet out from under him. He tried to get up, but she held the weapon at his throat, and she might have attacked again if she had not been interrupted by the approach of a very large man in heavy armor.

"That's all wrong, Whisper." The large man said as he reached the wall. "I didn't even see you take a single hit. Ah, if only you could have seen me in the arena... I took more hits than anyone who had ever competed."

"Um, I'm sorry." Whisper replied. "But, um... who are you?"

The large man was about to say something, but his words were turned into a startled cry of pain as the Guildmaster grabbed him by the ear and made him walk a few steps from the melee ring. There he used his hold on the large man's ear to bring him down to his own level.

"Thunder, didn't I tell you to never show your face in this Guild again, ever?" The Guildmaster scolded. "So what are you doing wrong right now?"

"Um... showing my face in the Guild?" He replied. "Don't worry, Guildmaster, I have _this_ to take care of that problem."

Thunder reached behind his back, and took out a paper bag which he quickly slipped over his head. There were holes cut out for his eyes and mouth, along with a silly face drawn on the front of the bag which seemed to just anger the Guildmaster more. So he punched the center of the bag-face as hard as he could, and then started kicking Thunder in the rear as the large man tried to get away. Eventually Thunder got up and ran toward the Guild building, but at least now the Guildmaster seemed happier.

"You'll have to forgive Thunder, he's an idiot." The Guildmaster explained as he came back to them. "I purposely trained him wrong, as a joke. Now then, Whisper, you can go do whatever, but as for _you_, Chicken Chaser... come with me to the archery range."

The boy followed him over to another area of the courtyard where three more scarecrows were set up at different distances in front of a very small circle of dirt. There was also a painted backdrop of a castle, and a few things set up in the way of each one. Chris stood in the circle, and the Guildmaster handed him a bow that had been resting against the wall.

"All right, maybe melee combat isn't for you, so let's try the bow." He said as the boy looked at it. "Now this one's easy, and it doesn't even require your opponent to see you before you kill him. So just put the arrow in, pull back the string, and shoot one of those scarecrows. Think of it as revenge for when that one beat you up on your first day."

Now focusing his anger on that first incident where the melee ring scarecrow had totally blindsided him, Chris pulled back the string while aiming at the target, and released it. The arrow took off flying through the air, missed the target completely, and somehow shattered its way right through the window of Maze's room.

"What the fuck?!" Maze could be heard screaming.

"I think that's enough archery for one day." The Guildmaster quickly said. "Let's move on to the Will range... quick, before he sees us!"

They both took off running just before Maze came outside and punched the first apprentice that he saw, and they kept running to the other side of the courtyard where even more scarecrows were set up in a row next to a wooden fence. Some other apprentices and instructors were just finishing, so it was not long before they got to use it.

"Okay, I have one more plan for you." The Guildmaster explained. "Now, some people suck at melee combat, others suck at archery, and even fewer suck at both, and that's just fine. No one, and I mean _no one _sucks at all three basic hero skills, which means that you will have no problem concentrating your natural Will energy into a bolt of lightning... like so."

The Guildmaster's body glowed for a second as he aimed his hand at the nearest scarecrow, and Chris jumped back as lightning shot out from his hand. The scarecrow was burned pretty badly by this energy, but it was still intact, so the Guildmaster stepped back while motioning for the boy to come forward. So, concentrating his mind and body onto aiming at the nearest scarecrow, the boy gave a mighty yell as his rage was released, and... nothing happened.

"You have got to be shitting me!" The Guildmaster screamed after the boy's second attempt also failed. "I know you're a dumbshit, Chicken Chaser, but do you expect me to believe that you suck at _all three _of the basic hero skills?! That's why we have_ three_, so that everyone could be good at least _one_ of them! So what do you have to say for yourself?!"

"Um... is there a fourth?" The boy asked hopefully.

There was pure hate and frustration in the Guildmaster's eyes as he suddenly reached for Chris's throat, stopping only at the last second and putting his hand on the boy's shoulder instead. With his other hand, he sent another bolt of lightning from his hand at the scarecrows, but this one was continuous and chained from the first target so that all three were hit until they were nothing but crispy ashes.

"No more training for today." The Guildmaster said as he calmed down. "Why don't you go play in the woods with Whisper while I go clean up a bottle of Quervo? Oh, and stay away from the Demon Door."

Chris looked where he was pointing, and across the small creek was the large statue of a bearded face that appeared to have been set right into the stone behind it. Its eyes glowed yellow, and the whole thing moved just a bit as if it were a real face.

"He is correct to caution you." The stone face suddenly spoke. "For I feed on apprentices."

Its eyes then shifted toward an unwary apprentice who was walking by. The mouth opened, and a long stone tongue shot out, which wrapped around the now screaming apprentice as he was pulled into the mouth.

"Oh, my God!" The boy screamed as the Demon Door belched loudly.

The Guildmaster walked away without another word, and Chris didn't want to be anywhere near the Demon Door, so he decided to take his instructor's advice and find Whisper. He was close to the path to the Guild Woods, so he ran past the tree line, and found her just as she was crossing the stream.

"Hurry up, slow-poke." She ordered after noticing him. "The Guild needs this beetle nest taken care of by nightfall."

"All right, let's go!" He exclaimed happily. "We can finally be a team, and... wait a second, did you say beetle nest?"

Suddenly there was a familiar sort of buzzing and clicking sound from in the bushes, and the two giant beetles from before came flying in. They landed on the path right in front of them, and Chris tried his best not to panic.

"You again?" The first beetle asked. "I guess you didn't learn your lesson last time, huh, Ese?"

"Don't worry, Whisper." Chris said sort of confidently. "There's two of us, so if we work together as a team we can take them... Whisper?"

He turned around just in time to see her running out of the woods, and the boy screamed as the beetles tackled him a second later. They smacked, kicked, and stomped him for several minutes before pushing him out of the woods, and he actually managed to stumble a few steps before falling at Whisper's feet.

"Good job, Chicken Chaser." She said while trying not to laugh. "The Guildmaster is gonna _love_ hearing about this one."

She gave up trying not to laugh as she walked away, and once he got up, the boy could only stand there hanging his head in shame at this defeat. But he knew that one day he would be a powerful hero who could easily defeat creatures like these bugs, and...

"Why you still here, homes?" The beetle's voice called. "You_ like _getting your butt whooped or something?"

Not wanting to face them again, the boy ran forward without looking where he was going, and knocked over a man carrying a crate of apples as he sprinted toward the safety of his room.


	5. Chapter 4 The Final Test

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 4: The Final Test**

_The boy gained no skill, and got no more powerful as the years went by. He was allowed to do nothing but train, but it was ineffectual to the point of driving the Guildmaster mad. Still, the boy continued to try as he remembered the burning of his home, and at last on his 18th year, the day came when he would attempt the final tests, and gain his Guild Seal._

"Well, well, happy days are here again." The Guildmaster said as Chris walked up to him. "Today is the day that I can finally get rid of your candy ass, and all you have to do is pass three very simple tests. After that you meet me in front of the Guild Woods, and it will all be over. Can you manage that much, Chicken Chaser?"

"Yes, Guildmaster." The young man said with confidence. "Here I go."

He ran over to the melee ring, pulled out his sword, and jumped over the wall to where Whisper was once again waiting for him. However, his foot got caught, causing him to eat the dirt as he fell on his face.

"I'll pretend that I didn't see that." The instructor said as Chris got up. "Now this combat against Whisper counts for your final grade, so... ready, go."

Determined not to be defeated by her again, Chris ran toward his opponent while swinging his sword. Whisper remained still until he was right on top of her, and then dodged to the side, avoiding his attack as she slammed her staff into his groin. He remained frozen in place for a second as the color drained out of his face, and then he collapsed like a ton of bricks.

"Excellent, Whisper, you get an A+." The instructor said. "And as for you, Chicken Chaser... just get the hell away from me."

Whisper and the instructor were both long gone by the time the young man was able to get up, so he very carefully climbed out of the melee ring, and then made his way over to the archery range where another instructor was waiting for him.

"Alright, Chicken Chaser, this archery trial counts." He said. "All you have to do is hit as many targets as you can in one minute. Ready, go."

Chris had been practicing constantly for years, and was confident that he was now a master of the longbow. So he picked up the weapon, aimed at the target, and fired... making the instructor cry out in surprise as the arrow flew right into his chest. He stumbled backwards and fell into the creek where his lifeless body slowly floated away from the Guild, and Chris stood there for a second before dropping the bow and running away.

He moved behind trees and along low walls to make sure that no one had seen what happened or noticed him running away. Eventually he made it over to the Will range, where the instructor rolled his eyes.

"Alright, I've heard about _you_, Chicken Chaser." He said. "So all I want you to do is shoot some lightning from your hand, and I'll pass you. I don't care whether or not you actually hit the target, just make some lightning, and you're good. Ready, go."

This was it, the moment of truth where he would get through the last of his tests, and truly become a hero. So he aimed his hand at the scarecrow as the instructor moved to safety behind him, and the young man felt his Will energy gathering for usage. It soon reached its maximum, so he released it, but instead of throwing lightning from his hand, he farted, shooting a large fireball from his rear.

The instructor screamed as he was engulfed in flames, and ran around frantically before finally putting out the fire by throwing himself into the creek. Chris took this as his cue to leave, so he ran away from the Will range, and didn't stop until he was at the entrance to the Guild Woods where the Guildmaster was waiting for him.

"Well, look who made it." He said as Chris got to him. "Chicken Chaser, never in my 28 years as an instructor here have I ever seen one apprentice fail as epically as you have. According to the rule book, I should rip your balls off so that you can never reproduce, but you know what? I'm so sick of dealing with you, that I'm gonna let you take the final test. So go into the Guild Woods, and it will be revealed to you."

"Yes, Guildmaster." The young man replied.

He started to go, but was stopped when the Guildmaster grabbed his arm.

"But be warned, Chicken Chaser." He continued. "People are gonna be watching, so don't fuck it up. Because if you screw this up, it's the end for you. If you mess up, your ass will be hung out to dry. If you embarrass this Guild, your pants will be dancing with figs. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Guildmaster." Chris replied. "Everything except the, um, pants and figs thing."

The Guildmaster smacked him in the back of the head, and kicked at him a few times as Chris ran into the woods. To his surprise, Maze was waiting for him near the old beetle nest, and now he wasn't sure what to do.

"Well, it's about time." He said as the young man approached. "I suppose that you're wondering what the final test is, and honestly its simple: All you have to do is survive thirty seconds of me whooping your ass."

He suddenly became a blur as he punched Chris in the stomach, sending the young man flying through the air where he landed in the water. He was just starting to get up when Maze grabbed him by the hair and shoved his head back underwater for several seconds before pulling him back up. Once the young man had been pulled to his feet, Maze kicked him in the chest, making him crash right through a piece of an old fence just as the alarm on Maze's watch started to go off.

"Oh, damn it, should've gone for a full minute." Maze grumbled. "Oh well, I guess you passed, so report to the Guildmaster."

Maze vanished in a flash of light, and once he was able to get up, Chris stumbled his way out of the woods where the Guildmaster was waiting.

"Still alive?" He asked. "Well, holy sheep shit, you actually did something right. Follow me to the Chamber of Fate so that I can get rid of your stupid ass."

The young man followed him back into the main building, and down an almost hidden passage to an older looking part of the Guild. There in the circular room, Maze and Thunder were standing at the center, while a bunch of apprentices were gathered around them. Whisper was already with them, so the young man stood next to her as the Guildmaster moved to stand in front of Maze and Thunder.

"Let these little shits, er, I mean the apprentices approach." The Guildmaster said. "Today is a great day because Whisper has completed her training and Chicken Chaser will finally be out of my hair."

The other apprentices cheered as the two of them stepped forward. The Guildmaster then took two small seals out of a box with the Hero's Guild emblem on them, and handed them to the newest graduates.

"You have both endured the rigors of hero training." He continued. "And you have received your Guild Seals, which means that you are ready to go out into the world to inspire people, or to strike fear into their hearts. Be warned, there are strange winds blowing, and a foul stench is polluting the air... good God, what _is_ that?"

"Sorry." Thunder replied. "That was me."

The Guildmaster quickly brought his fist down hard into Thunder's groin, making the big man gasp and fell over sideways. The other apprentices then cheered as the two graduates placed the seals on their belts and posed in victory. The ceremony was now complete, so the two new heroes walked out the door, ready to start their adventures.


	6. Chapter 5 Wasps In The Picnic Area

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 5: Wasps In The Picnic Area**

As soon as graduation was over, Whisper wasted no time in leaving the Guild, but Chris decided to walk back into the map room with the Guildmaster. This place had been his home for so long that it was strange to think of leaving, even for a little while, but if he was ever going to get revenge for his family, and prove that he was truly a hero, he would have to do this.

"Ah, it's time for you to leave us, Chicken Chaser." The Guildmaster said as they walked in. "I remember the first day that Maze brought you to us, and you are still just as pathetic and stupid. Hell, I'll be damned if you aren't the worst apprentice that I've ever trained, and that being so, I feel the need to give you a basic pack of supplies that should keep you going for a little while."

He went around the map, and picked up a backpack which he brought back and handed to the young man. It had been a very long time since Chris had received a gift, and never from the Guildmaster, so he had a big smile as he began to go through it, but then the smile faded.

"But, Guildmaster." He said with a confused tone. "All that's in here are some matches and an oily shirt."

"Very perceptive, Chicken Chaser." The Guildmaster replied. "It's so that when it gets cold at night, you can keep warm by putting on the shirt and setting it on fire. Now get the fuck out of my sight, you little ass-miner!"

The Guildmaster kicked at him a few times, making the young man gasp as he ran toward the front door. Quickly pushing it open, he ran outside, and stopped for a moment to look around. Now 18 years old, he had not been allowed outside of the Guild grounds since he had been brought there at age 8, and it was nice to see the peaceful forest.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" A man screamed as he came out of nowhere and grabbed Chris by the shirt. "Wasps are attacking the picnic area! Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

He was about to ask more about what was happening, but then the man let go of him and continued screaming as he ran away. Even though he hadn't been outside the Guild in years, there were signs pointing the way to the picnic area, so he ran up the hill to follow them. This was it, his first chance to prove himself as a hero, but then he stopped running as he reached the area and saw what was going on.

There were dozens of people lying dead on the ground, and giant wasps about half the size of people were stinging the ones who were still alive. The worst of all was the gigantic wasp queen that was hovering in the middle. She was five times bigger than the normal ones, and for a moment the young man considered leaving, until he saw a small group of people hiding behind a fence.

"This sucks." A man said. "Every time we go on a picnic, something fucked up happens. If it's not giant wasps or balverines, or undead, then it's just something worse."

"Yeah, Albion's really going down the crapper lately." The woman next to him replied. "Now all we need is a plague of locusts."

Suddenly a grasshopper jumped onto the fence, and they all screamed. A few of the people ran away as the grasshopper jumped off the fence, and the remaining two looked like they were about to follow suit. No, there would be no retreat on this day, for these people wanted to enjoy their day off, and Chris was going to help them no matter what.

"That's it." The man said. "I'm eating at Fisher Creek from now on."

"Excuse me." Chris said in his manliest voice possible as he stepped toward them. "It seems to me that you people are in need... of a _hero_. And today fortune has indeed smiled upon you, for I am... a _hero_."

He struck a heroic pose as the people looked at him as if they didn't know what to think, and then they burst out laughing a few seconds later.

"Alright, kid." The man said. "Have you ever saved a town before, or single-handedly reversed and or stopped a natural disaster?"

"What about defeating a blood-thirsty monster in single combat?" The woman asked. "Have you ever done that?"

"Well, come to think of it, I... no." Chris replied.

"I see." The man continued. "Look, you seem like a good guy, and your heart's in the right place, but we need a_ real _hero, not some fresh out of the Guild amateur."

The young man was crushed by this final remark, and tears welled up in his eyes as it finally dawned on him that he might not really be hero material. All the years of hard work, the Guildmaster's abuse, and all the beatings he had suffered in order to hone his body into the perfect machine... was it all for nothing?

"Fine, go!" He screamed as he tossed his sword away as hard as he could. "You know what?! I never even wanted to be a hero in the first place! So you can take this job and shove it up your asses!"

Tears streamed down his face, and he drooled profusely while sobbing like a little girl, but then he stopped when he noticed that everyone was looking behind him with their mouths hanging open. So he turned around and gasped when he saw that all the smaller wasps had gone, while lying in the middle of the picnic area was the wasp queen, dead with his sword jammed right through her head.

Everything was silent for over a minute, and then Chris jumped as the silence was broken by the sound of the two people cheering and clapping for him. The man patted him on the back and the woman gave him a big kiss, but the young man was barely aware of these things because he didn't really understand what had just happened.

"Boy, you really had us fooled." The man said. "Pretending to be a useless idiot in order to sneak up on the wasp queen... it was brilliant, and we're gonna tell everyone about your heroic deed."

They cheered again for a few seconds before walking away, and the young man was just left standing there like an idiot. Suddenly he realized that this was a good thing, even though he didn't understand how or why it had happened. Everyone was now going to think of him as a hero, so he ran over to the dead wasp queen in order to get a trophy.

Pulling out the sword and using it to sever the giant insect's head, he gave a heroic battle cry as he held it over his head. However, some of its yellow-green blood splashed into his mouth, making him gag and throw up as he fell to his hands and knees.

"My God." The man said as he and the woman were leaving. "He's must be the greatest assassin in the world to put on such a performance. I tell you, no evil in all of Albion will be able to stand against _him_."


	7. Chapter 6 Welcome To Bowerstone

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 6: Welcome To Bowerstone**

Now that he had defeated a monster and saved the day, the first thing Chris wanted to do was return to the Guild. Everyone there was just going to love his trophy, and even the Guildmaster would have to admit that the young man had done something right, so he ran all the way back, entered the map room, and stopped in his tracks.

"Oh." The other person in the room said as she looked at him. "You must be the one that Maze and the Guildmaster are always making fun of."

She was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen, with her short hair, tight red leather outfit, and large spectacles on her face. He wanted to say something witty in reply, or at least brag about his trophy, but instead all he could do was nod stupidly.

"I'm Briar Rose, but you probably already knew that." She continued. "If you've come looking for another quest, all the good ones are already taken, but I'm sure they can find _something_ for you to do around here... I hear the toilets need to be tongue-scrubbed."

"Aw, not again." Chris replied. "I just did that last week."

Briar Rose started to say something in response to this, but instead just shook her head as she started toward the door. The young man watched intently as she walked past, and even more so as she got farther across the room, but then she turned around and came back.

"I almost forgot." She said. "Maze and the Guildmaster both left a message for you. Let's see, Maze wants you to meet him at the tavern in Bowerstone, although I can't imagine why someone would _want_ to see _you_. Oh, and the Guildmaster wanted me to give you this."

She suddenly pulled her leg back and slammed her foot into his groin, making him groan like an undead as he fell to his hands and knees. Then she stepped over him, and walked out the door. It took him a few minutes to recover from this, but once he was on his feet, the young man also went out the door. While on the way to the picnic area he had seen a sign for Bowerstone, so he turned the other way at the top of the small hill, and crossed a decent size bridge in order to enter it.

"Hold it right there, you." A guard ordered as he stopped him. "I've never seen you here before, and it's my job to debrief you."

The guard then grabbed the top of Chris's pants, and very quickly and painfully ripped the tighty-whities off of him, making the young man scream as he stumbled backwards.

"Debriefing complete." The guard continued. "Have a nice day... and obey the law."

He walked away without another word, and Chris got to his feet once again. This was his first time in Bowerstone, so he wandered around for a few minutes until he saw a small crowd gathered in front of a set of stone steps. A beautiful woman with dishwater blonde hair and a purple dress was standing at the top, and she appeared to be making some kind of speech.

"And anyone who violates martial law." She announced. "Will be torn apart by sumo wrestlers. Now have all of your cookies and candy delivered to my house by tonight, and I might _not_ have to kill any more of your children... and remember... vote Lady Grey for mayor."

The crowd gave a less than enthusiastic cheer as she turned away and walked through a door behind her, and then the crowd disbursed. There was now a clear path to the top, and the young man really wanted to see that woman again, so he walked up the stone stairs, only to be stopped by another guard.

"Hold it right there, Sonny Jim." He said as the door slammed shut. "I'm afraid you aren't popular, rich, beautiful, or cool enough to enter _North_ Bowerstone. See, this is where the people with the before-mentioned qualities live in wealth and safety, while the rest of you scumbags stay out here where you belong. So, off with you."

It would have been a lie to say that Chris wasn't a little hurt and disappointed at being turned away, but he didn't want to start any trouble with the guards, so he turned around and walked back down the stairs. There was certainly lots of things for him to see in this part of Bowerstone, although none of it really looked that spectacular. Then he saw Maze leaning up against the tavern wall.

As Chris walked toward him, Maze reached down and pulled an ice cream cone out of the hand of a little girl who was walking by. She started to protest, but then he growled, making her scream and run off.

"That wasn't very nice." Chris said as he reached him.

"It's survival of the fittest at this point." Maze replied as he licked the cone. "Ewww, I hate mint chocolate."

He dropped the cone on the ground, causing a man who was carrying a lot of heavy boxes to slip in it and fall a second later. The boxes all broke open, causing dozens of bars of soap to fly everywhere as the man leered hatefully at Maze, but as he started to get up, Maze took a package out of his pocket. He then tore it open, and poured the white powdery substance within all over the man.

"Guard." Maze said to one passing by. "This man was transporting drugs meant for the children of this fine town... and the sick bastard even tried to hide this package on _me_."

The man tried to protest, but was interrupted as the guard tackled him, alone with three more guards that came from different directions. The whooped him pretty good before dragging him away, leaving Chris standing there more confused than anything.

"How did you know he hid drugs on you?" He asked innocently.

"You don't get to be the leader of a Hero's Guild without understand how the criminal mind works." Maze explained. "But enough about how awesome I am; I asked you here to give you some important news. You see... I've heard that your sister might still be alive."

Thunder suddenly crashed as Chris gasped with shock, but a second later the skies were clear again, leaving the young man even more confused as he looked up.

"Pay attention, damn it." Maze scolded as he smacked him in the side of the head. "Anyway, I have no more information than that for you, so I suggest that you explore around and see if you can learn anything on your own. I will contact you if I learn anything else... oh, and the Guildmaster wanted me to give you this."

The young man jumped back while covering his groin protectively with his hands, but to his surprise Maze took a Jack in the Box out of his bag. He teleported away after handing it to him, and Chris enjoyed the melody as he turned the crank. It played for several seconds, and then the top opened, causing a spring-loaded boxing glove to fly out and punch him in the mouth.

He shrieked in surprise as he was knocked onto his back, and everyone was laughing and pointing as he got up, so Chris decided that this would be a good time to leave town.


	8. Chapter 7 Trouble At Fisher Creek

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 7: Trouble At Fisher Creek**

After leaving Bowerstone, the only path available was the one that would take him past both the Heroes Guild and the Picnic Area, and right into the large forest of Greatwood. The young man had never actually been into this forest, but he had heard that it was a generally nice place.

"Hey, you!" A man called as he ran up to him. "Hey, are you a hero? I need to get to Orchard Farm, and there have already been three attempts on my life!"

This was great, and Chris beamed with pride at the fact that people were now asking for his help because of his heroic battle with the Wasp Queen. Well, he was going to do everything in his power to live up to their expectations, starting by not letting this man down.

"Fear not, my good man." The young man said with confidence. "For I am a hero, and I will get you to Orchard Farm without any more attempts on your life... at least no successful ones. Let's go."

They set off toward Greatwood Forest, which was the way to Orchard Farm, but they had only just passed the tree line, when an arrow shot out of nowhere. It went right into the man's head, making him yelp as he was dead before he even hit the ground.

"Oh, double damn it." Chris grumbled to himself.

There was a rustling in the bushes a short distance away as Whisper walked out, and she checked the man's pockets for gold before putting her bow away.

"Hey, Chicken Chaser." She said as she walked up to him. "I heard you were on your way to Orchard Farm, just as I figured an inbred little assclown like you would. Just so happens that I'm going there too, since Lady Grey gave me a quest card to steal some stuff. Think you can stop me?"

"Sure, I can!" Chris replied excitedly. "I'll see you there."

Whisper laughed and shook her head before running away down the path, and the young man followed a few seconds later. He was a little bummed out since the guy he was escorting had been killed, but now he was going to battle a fellow hero in order to protect innocent people and keep their stuff from being stolen. Moving deeper into the forest, he was looking for signs that would lead to the farm, when he stopped as he heard something.

"Help!" A voice called from down another trail. "Help!"

Never one to leave an innocent person in danger, Chris turned toward the sound, and after running a short distance down the trail he found himself at a small creek where several of the giant wasps he had encountered earlier were circling around a cottage.

"Help!" A man called from inside. "Help, you've got to save me!"

Chris was not afraid as he approached, being that he had recently defeated the biggest and baddest wasp of them all, but neither were the wasps as they forgot all about the cottage in order to go after him. Before he even knew what was happening, they grabbed him and lifted him up into the air, making him scream as he was stung several times in the ass before they tossed him into the creek.

Now, swimming had not been covered during hero training, so the young man panicked, flopping and splashing as he tried to reach the shore. He was so terrified of drowning and splashing so much water, that he didn't notice the wasp's wings getting so wet that they also fell into the water one by one, only to be carried away by the current as he clawed his way up onto dry land.

"That was amazing!" The man yelled as he came running out of the house. "You allowed yourself to be swarmed like that in order to draw them away from me, didn't you? And the way you tricked them into getting wet so that they could all be destroyed in one blow... you, Sir, are an incredible hero!"

"Gosh, thanks." Chris replied as he got up. "I guess that _was_ pretty clever, huh?"

He was still quite a bit sore from the stings, but this was his second victory as a hero, and it made him feel good as he and the man walked back toward the cottage.

"Me and my brothers have been trapped in there for weeks." The man continued. "We only had a can of bait worms to sustain ourselves, so it's truly a good thing that you showed up when you did."

"Brothers?" Chris asked as they reached the cottage. "But _you_ were the only one I saw here."

That's when he looked through the window, and gasped as he saw two rotting skeletons lying on the floor. He had to cover his mouth to keep from losing his lunch, but then his nausea turned to fear as the man grinned while pulling a large knife from his boot.

"We ran out of bait worms after two days." He explained. "It was hard at first, but after a while human flesh starts to taste pretty good. In fact, why don't you join me for dinner?"

The man screamed as he made a wild stab at Chris, but the hero jumped out of the way, causing the knife to become embedded into the doorframe. He took this time to run away, but a second later the man was right on his heels.

"Come back, meat!" He yelled while chasing him back into Greatwood Forest. "You taste like chicken! You _all _taste like chicken!"

The young man ran as fast as he could, and for a second it looked like he was about to get away, but then he slipped on a patch of wet leaves, causing him to fall on his face. Rolling over to defend himself, Chris fumbled for his sword as the man leapt at him for the death blow, but suddenly a net was thrown over him, making him crash to the ground. Several guards came out from behind the trees a second later.

"Well, well." Their leader said as his men secured the net. "The infamous Fisher Creek Cannibal. This sick fuck has been eating people there for years, and we've been planning this sting operation for months, we just couldn't find anyone willing to actually go in there and lure him out."

"Oh." Chris replied as he got up. "Well, um, that was...

"It was damn brave, that's what. And the way you got him to drop his guard by pretending to be a helpless little bitch; that was gold, man. Alright boys, let's get this sick fuck to prison where he belongs. Thanks again, hero."

The guards dragged the enraged cannibal away, and the young man beamed with pride with having done such a good job. He was really starting to become well known, but he needed to keep a cool head. He had killed the wasp queen and captured the fisher creek cannibal, but there was work to be done at orchard farm, so he turned back up the trail, and started walking.


	9. Chapter 8 Orchard Farm

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 8: Orchard Farm**

Chris continued walking down the path through the forest, until he came to a sign that pointed the way to Orchard Farm. Now he would be able to reach his destination and face Whisper, and he was so excited by this that he started running in the direction that it pointed in, only to slam into a wall of some kind and fall on his ass.

"What the?" He asked as he got up.

It was only a small wall that looked like something that someone had just slapped together recently, made of boards, barbed wire, and ropes that held it up. It was important that he got to Orchard Farm, so he tried to climb it, only to slip back down. So he tried again, making it a little further, but ending up in the dirt just the same.

"Someone could get hurt on this." He declared as he got up. "It is my duty as a hero to remove this safety hazard to protect the good people who use this path."

He then drew his sword, and started using it to cut the ropes, remaining so focused on his work that he didn't notice the group of bandits who were standing behind him with explosives. They all just watched as he sliced rope after rope, and none of them really knew what to do at this point.

"Is this guy stupid or something?" A bandit whispered. "I mean... he's doing the work _for_ us."

"Hold on." His buddy warned. "Isn't that the hero who killed the wasp queen and captured the Fisher Creek Cannibal?"

"Yeah, I heard of that guy." A third bandit whispered. "They say he's so powerful and badass that no one has ever faced him and lived. There's even a rumor that he killed his archery instructor during training because the guy didn't think he could hit a target."

Suddenly the young man sliced the last rope, causing the wall to collapse, and the bandits hid in the bushes so they would not be seen as Chris walked down the path toward the farm. He whistled and skipped a little as if he didn't have a care in the world, and this filed the bandits with fear.

"Why would he do that?" The first one asked. "It's almost like he _wants _us to get into the farm."

"More like trying to lure us out into the open." The second one warned. "These heroes are all glory-hounds, so he wants everyone to see it when he comes at us. I say that we just sit tight and wait for Whisper."

The others all nodded in agreement, and held their positions as the young man reached the bottom of the path where the farmer and his wife were waiting. He couldn't hear what they were so excited about as they ran toward him, but clearly they had heard of his exploits and were happy to see such a powerful hero.

"Hello, good people." He said confidently as he reached them. "I've been sent here by the Heroes Guild to protect you and your farm."

"Protect us?!" The farmer exclaimed. "You just killed our guards!"

He pointed back up the path, and when Chris looked, he saw a few pairs of arms and legs sticking out from under the wall wreckage. For a moment there was hope as one of the arms tried to push away some of the debris, but then it went limp as a pool of blood began to spread out across the dirt.

"What the hell are we gonna do now?" The farmer's wife asked. "We have to keep these stones safe until our friends come to pick them up, which is why we put up the wall and hired the guards in the first place, you fucking moron!"

"Don't worry, good people." The young man replied confidently. "For as I said: I am a hero and I will protect you."

The farmer and his wife ran into the house and locked the door as the bandits suddenly started running down the path. In response, the young man put up his hand for them to stop, but they all ran right past him while the last one pushed him down. However, the last one also tripped over Chris's arm, causing him to fall, which in turn caused his crossbow to fire right into the back of his buddy's head.

"What the hell?" Another one yelled as the others turned around.

He aimed his crossbow at Chris and fired just as the last one was getting up, causing the arrow to go right into his friend's chest, killing him instantly. The next one took a shot as well, but the young man screamed as he dove out of the way, causing the arrow to hit one of the ropes that was supporting a small water tower. There was no time to react as it fell onto the bandits, leaving only a few of them alive once the water stopped flowing.

"It's a trap! He's making us kill each other!" One of the survivors screamed. "Fuck the stones, let's just get out of here!"

The remaining bandits started screaming as they dropped their weapons and ran away, and Chris was beaming with pride as he got up, only to get smacked in the head by a familiar looking staff, sending him back down. He looked up to see that Whisper was standing over him, and she just shook her head as they bandits vanished at the end of the path.

"I don't know how you do it, farm boy." She said with some disbelief in her voice. "But I'm going to kill you so that you can never do it again."

Not wanting to get hit again, the young man grabbed a handful of sand in order to toss it into her eyes. However, she saw this coming a mile away, so she kicked his hand upward, causing Chris to scream as it went into his own eyes. He fell to the ground, and Whisper was about to kill him with her staff, when she suddenly stopped.

"Damn it, you aren't worth killing." She said as she kicked him in the ribs instead. "It's a bigger punishment to let your pathetic existence continue, so you can keep the damn stones for all I care."

She kicked him one more time before walking up the path and away from Orchard Farm, and Chris was just getting to his feet, when he was greeted by the cheers from the farmer and his wife as they came running out of the house. For a moment he thought they were going to hit him, but instead they both hugged him, and the farmer's wife gave him a big kiss. So did the farmer a second later, but he tried his best to forget about that part.

"You did it, my boy!" The farmer exclaimed. "You defeated the bandits, saved the stones, and you were _even_ willing to take a few hits to avoid fighting a girl!"

"He's got strength, courage, brains, _and_ a strong sense of honor." The farmer's wife added. "You are a true hero."

They both applauded and cheered for him for a second before returning to the house, and the young man was just left standing there in shock. He had done it. He had defeated the forces of evil singlehandedly, and saved the good people from what might've been a horrific fate. So he cheered for himself as well, before running back down the path to continue his adventure.


	10. Chapter 9 A Bandit Toll

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 9: A Bandit Toll**

Leaving Orchard Farm behind, the young man again moved through the forest until it opened into a large clearing where a waterfall flowed into a small stream. All seemed peaceful in this place as he walked toward a group of people who were standing near a large stone, but then one of them screamed.

The others soon joined in as they all started to run away, and it was a hero's duty to help others and protect the innocent, so he ran toward them. However, this duty was quickly forgotten as he reached the stone, and he saw exactly what the people were running away from.

"Well, look who it is." The giant red beetle said as Chris stopped in his tracks. "What you doin here, homes?"

"Maybe he got lost." The blue beetle replied. "You a long way from home, Ese."

The young man just stood there like an idiot as the beetles made their way over to him, but this did allow the people to escape by running back into the forest. Most of them had vanished into the tree line by the time that the young man was thrown into the dirt, but two of them stopped to look back.

"Man, that guy's got balls of solid rock." The first one said. "He's got to in order to use himself as a distraction like that so we could get away."

"Yeah, now_ that'_s what I call a hero." His friend added. "I think he's known as Chicken Chaser, and I'm gonna tell all my friends about him."

The two men ran off into the forest, and Chris was happy that he had saved them, even as the beetles kicked him and ground his face into the dirt. Then the blue one held him down while the red one lifted up the young man's shirt to give him a pink-belly, making him scream.

"I don't know why this guy keeps coming back." The red one continued. "He knows what we do to little bitches like him."

"Maybe he likes it." The blue one suggested. "You like getting your ass kicked, gringo? Well, let's see how much you like _this_."

Both beetles grabbed him by the shirt and picked him up into the air before tossing him into the water. The little stream was surprisingly deep, and the young man was not the best swimmer, so he splashed and coughed until he finally found his way back to the shore. He expected the beating to continue, but instead the two beetles were already flying away.

Thankfully nobody was around to see how badly he had been beaten by the beetles, even though he had managed to save the innocent people. There also did not appear to be any more need for his services at the stream, so he continued on the main path through the forest which went up into a more rocky section.

It kept getting more and more rocky as he went up the trail until it became a gorge where that same stream ran far below, and the young man had to cross a series of bridges in order to continue on. However, he was just coming up to the first bridge, when he noticed a sign that read:

_BANDIT TOLL AHEAD!_

_HAVE YOUR GOLD READY OR YOU WILL END UP LIKE THIS GUY!_

He was confused at first as to what the last part of the warning meant, but then he looked on the ground next to the sign, gasping as he saw a dead man with his hands tied behind his back and a cucumber shoved halfway up his ass.

His first instinct was to find another way to go, but then he remembered that he was a hero, and that it was his duty to stop evil like this wherever it happened to be. Besides, he would be fine as long as he could keep the image of the cucumber out of his mind. But then he reached the other side of the first bridge and came to a second sign that read:

_REMEMBER THE CUCUMBER!_

He swallowed hard as he started across the second bridge, and as he reached the end of it he could see the toll taker a short distance up the trail. There was a traveling merchant talking to the bandit, but then the merchant hung his head as he turned back.

"Good luck, stranger." The merchant said as he walked past Chris. "I hope you got the gold they want, or they'll never let you through. Oh, and don't even _think_ about sneaking past, or you'll get the cucumber."

The merchant continued on his way, and the young man tried to hide just how apprehensive he was feeling as he walked up to the toll taker. The bandit just looked at him for a second, and Chris was doing okay with hiding his fear... that is... until he saw the cucumber on the bandit's belt.

"You got gold?" The toll taker asked. "In order to pass, you must pay the toll, because a toll is a toll and a roll is a roll. So if we don't get no tolls then we don't get no rolls... I made that up."

"It's, um... charming." The young man replied. "Say, is there any way for me to get through without paying?"

"Oh, sure, sure, but it involves me taking this here cucumber and cramming it up your ass as far as it can go... well... either that, or you can join the gang."

The young man was honestly quite surprised by this little addendum to the threat of having to take the cucumber, and maybe this was an opportunity that he couldn't afford to pass up. After all, he had gone undercover before to help the guards catch the Fisher Creek Cannibal, so it should be easy to do the same thing again.

"I'll join." He said confidently.

"Really? You will?" The toll taker replied. "Well, ok."

He snapped his fingers, and four more bandits leapt out from behind trees and bushes, tackling Chris to the ground. Then they picked him up over their heads and cheered as they carried him further up the path, and around the bend to their leader's tent where they roughly dropped him to the ground.

"So, you want to join us, huh?" Their green-suited leader asked as he came out of the tent. "_Oh, merry meeeeeeeeen!_ Let's tell him who we are."

Suddenly even more bandits jumped out from behind cover, and music started to play as they lined up.

"I rob from the rich and give to the needy." He sang. "I skim from the top, but I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good."

"What a guy; Misere Hood." The others sang. "Break it down."

They all started dancing, but then an arrow suddenly flew into the leader's throat, stopping the music as he fell over dead. Then the other bandits screamed as dozens of more arrows flew at them, and Chris dove for cover behind the remains of a wagon. Soon the screaming stopped as all the bandits lay dead on the ground, and then there was a rustling sound as several guards came out of hiding.

"Yeah, I figured it was you." The guard captain said as the young man came out of hiding. "We've been planning this raid for months, but we needed someone to distract the toll taker so we could get into position without being spotted. Three cheers for the hero!"

The guards cheered for him a few times before just kind of wandering away, after taking all the bandit's valuables first of course. This left the young man once again just standing there without a clue as to how these things kept happening to him.

"I gotta get out of this forest." He said to himself as he continued down the path. "Things will get better once I'm out of this forest."


	11. Chapter 10 Beware The Hobbe Cave

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 10: Beware The Hobbe Cave**

The young man continued walking down the path that would take him away from Greatwood Forest, and it was his sincere hope that the next area he came to would not be so crazy. Up ahead he saw the small cave that would take him past the rock wall that divided this forest with the next, so he started toward it, when he was forced to stop as he heard screams coming from another cave to the right.

The entrance to this much larger and scarier cave was shaped like a skull, and there were human remains scattered around between the entrance and a sign in front of him that read:

_BEWARE THE HOBBE CAVE._

_ONLY A DIPSHIT WOULD COME IN HERE._

For a moment he thought that it would be wiser to heed the sign's warning, but then he heard the scream again and realized that he had no choice. For even though he didn't want to go in, a hero needed to conquer his fears and give aid to all who asked for it. So he walked past the human remains on the ground as he entered the cave, and saw unmistakably human bones scattered around the floor.

"Help!" The voice cried again. "For the love of Avo, someone help me!"

Using all of his stealth skills, Chris crept farther into the cave, following the sound to a heavy wooden door. Carefully and quietly he opened it, only to slip on a wet rock after taking a single step into the room. He fell onto his back as he slid down the sloped floor to the center of the chamber, where he found himself surrounded by the vicious little white troll-things known as Hobbes.

"Uh, hi." He said as the creatures just looked at him.

"Good job, mate." A bandit trapped in a nearby cage replied. "You might as well have cooked yourself for them, too."

Suddenly the little creatures swarmed over the young man, and then they pulled the bandit out of the cage before dragging them deeper into the cave.

"Where are they taking us?" Chris asked.

"Probably the same place they took my friends." The bandit replied. "Though I should warn you that I heard screams the likes you never imagined coming from down this way."

The young man swallowed hard as the Hobbes took them into a large open chamber, and down an ancient set of stone stairs where a rounded rock like the one he had seen earlier sat on a little island surrounded by shallow water. Next to the rock was a little kid who was trapped in some kind of force cage, and hovering above it all was a horrible fairy.

"Ah, good." She said as the two of them were dragged before her. "Such a good selection."

She snapped her fingers, causing the kid to be released as the force cage vanished, and now all three of them were made to kneel down in front of her. Back and forth she floated above them as if making a careful inspection, and then she returned to the center.

"Here's the deal." She continued. "Two of you may go free, but one of you has to stay in order to be sacrificed in the most inhumane and creative way possible."

The young man gasped as he saw that the Hobbes were now holding a cheese grater, and egg whisk, a mouse trap, and a box that was simply labeled: Antonio Banderas Life-Size Inflatable Date. He was about to ask what that last one was for, but instead decided that he would rather not know.

"I will leave it up to you." She said. "Choose quickly."

The situation looked grim, but between the three of them there was no reason why they all couldn't get out of this alive. Using all of the knowledge he gained from training, the young man was starting to form a plan, but instead found himself falling forward as the bandit and kid suddenly pushed him into the force cage.

"Hey, what gives?!" He yelled as he got to his feet.

"Good choice." The fairy replied. "You two can go."

The kid waved goodbye before he and the bandit ran out of the chamber, and now the Hobbes were chuckling to themselves as they added a few even more insidious items to their arsenal, including a horse-whip and a can of whipped-cream. They then came toward him and this seemed like the end, but then his Guild Seal began to glow before he was surrounded with the same kind of light that Maze had used.

When the light faded, he found himself standing outside the cave entrance, and a few seconds later there was a sound as the bandit and kid came running outside. They both stopped in their tracks once they saw him, and everyone just stood there for a few seconds before the bandit started laughing.

"Holy crap, you clever bastard." He said. "I bet you could've escaped like that at any time, but used yourself as a decoy to make sure that we could get away, am I right? You, Sir, are a true hero, and because of you, I'm gonna go home and rethink my life."

The bandit continued laughing as he ran off into the forest, and then the kid walked up to Chris.

"Thanks for saving us, hero." He said. "Could you take me home? I live at Rose Cottage, but I have to warn you that my Gram is a bit strange sometimes."

"Sure, kid." Chris replied. "Lead the way."

He followed the kid back into Greatwood Forest, and then down a small side path that took them up to a small cottage that was surrounded by a picket fence made of... gingerbread men? He had to rub his eyes for a second, and yes, the fence was made of gingerbread men, but not only that... the entire house looked like it was made of candy.

"Candy!" Chris yelled as he ran toward it.

"No, don't!" The kid warned.

The young man didn't listen as he ran up to the house, and then he started to gobble up everything that he could reach. He ate the licorice gutters, the gram-cracker shutters, a few of the chocolate bricks, and was working on one of the rock-candy windows when the front door opened.

"What the fuck are you doing to my house?!" An old woman yelled as she ran out. "Do you know how many _people_ it took to make that candy?!"

He froze in place as he stopped chewing the candy, and then started to cough and spit it out as the old woman walked back into the house. She came back out a few second later, and the young man's eyes widened as he saw that she was holding a giant pair of scissors.

"Well, since you wanted to eat my house." She said calmly. "I guess that means I'll have to use both of you as replacements."

"Run!" The kid yelled. "Run for your life!"

The kid ran back down the trail and into Greatwood Forest as the old woman started laughing hysterically, and Chris also started running when she suddenly came after him. The old woman was a lot faster than she looked, and she was about to catch him, when she lost her footing on some loose mud. Her laughter stopped as she fell onto the giant scissors, and he just looked at the body for a minute or so before running down the trail.

"Gotta get out of Greatwood." He said to himself as he ran into the small cave. "Gotta get out of Greatwood."


	12. Chapter 11 Escort Through Darkwood

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 11: Escort Through Darkwood**

The first thing that the young man thought as he entered the forest known as Darkwood was that perhaps he had made a mistake going there. Greatwood had been bright and colorful, but this place was dark and scary. In fact he was just about to turn back, when two scared looking men ran up to him.

"Thank Avo, a hero!" The first one yelled. "We need to reach Barrow Fields, but it's too dangerous for us to go alone!"

"He's right!" The second one yelled. "We've already lost Jim, Big Jim, Little Jim, Slim Jim, Jim Bo, Jim Bob, Billy Jo Jim Bob, and Mike! Well... nobody really liked Mike, but it's still scary!"

"Don't worry, good people." Chris reassured them. "For I am a hero, and if you need to get to Barrow Fields, then by Avo that's what we are gonna do."

Once again filled with confidence, the young man did his hero stride as he led them down the path. How could he have ever thought about turning back when these people needed him? In fact, it looked like someone else needed him as well, as they came up to a small bridge where a third man was standing.

"Something bit me, and left me for dead." The obviously wounded man said. "Please, can you help me get to Barrow Fields?"

"Hell no." The first one replied. "He's probably been bitten by a Balverine or something, and could turn on us at any moment."

"Now hold on a second, guys." Chris said. "It is our duty as good people to help this man in his time of need, so how can you leave him like this?"

"It's easy." The second one explained. "I'll show you."

The two of them started walking ahead, and the young man turned to comfort the third, only to scream in horror as he turned into a Balverine before his very eyes. The beast tackled him with intent to kill, but a sharp tree branch went through its head as they fell, killing it. The other two travelers didn't seem to notice that anything was wrong once he got up and caught up to them, but then they all stopped in front of a large wooden door.

"Ah, here it is." The first man said. "The Darkwood Bordello."

"What's a Bordello?" Chris asked.

"It's the best shit ever, that's what." The second man explained. "You go in, and no matter how ugly or pathetic you are, beautiful women will have sex with you in exchange for gold. Best part is that they can't say no, no matter what."

This sounded like an awesome place to kill a few hours, so the young man walked up to the door, but found that it was locked. He pulled and pushed on the gate, hoping that it was just stuck or something, but then his heart sank as he saw a sign next to it that read:

_DARKWOOD BORDELLO_

_CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE_

"Aw, damn it." He said as he hung his head. "I guess we should just continue on."

They continued down the trail through swamps and shallow lakes until the young man stopped as he saw a demon door like the one in the Guild's training ground. He knew that these things were trouble, but he had also heard that there was amazing treasure hidden within for anyone who was actually able to get one open.

"Beware, bitches." It said. "I block the way to all but the most combat hardened. If you think you aren't a little bitch, my guardian shall test you."

"No fucking way." The first man said as the second one nodded in agreement. "This place is horrible and scary enough without intentionally picking a fight."

"Guys, relax." Chris replied. "I happen to be a combat-hardened hero who has defeated several monsters _and_ survived the Hobbe Cave. So yes, door, I want your guardian to test me."

"Very well." The door said. "Guardian, attack!"

Suddenly a balverine that was white colored and much larger than the other one he had seen dropped down from the sky and roared in Chris's face, making the young man turn white as a urine stain formed on the front of his trousers. It then picked him and the two travelers up and drop-kicked them hard enough to send them flying into the air.

All three of them screamed as they flew across the forest, finally crashing into a large mud puddle next to some kind of camp. There were a few traders with booths set up, and once the other two men dragged themselves out of the mud, they walked into the camp. Chris decided to follow them, since they could all use a break, but then something caught his eye.

Off in the distance, there was a dark red light coming from up a very dark and scary path. In fact, it almost looked like the sky itself was red even though he was pretty sure that it was night time. It also felt cold as he looked, but the temperature returned to normal the moment he looked away from the red light.

"What's that up there?" He asked.

"Oh, you don't want to go up there, stranger." A merchant replied as he approached. "That's where the Chapel of Skorm is located."

He knew from his study in the Guild that Skorm was an evil God, and the enemy of Avo, which meant he needed to investigate its evil presence. So he walked further into the camp where the two men he had been escorting were resting. He didn't really want to leave them alone until his quest was complete, but this was a special case.

"Stay here until I come back." He ordered. "I have some evil to stop."

"Fair enough." The second man replied. "Bye."

He could sense a massive amount of evil coming from up the path as he walked out of the trader's camp, but he needed to go up there, so he took a deep breath and started up the path.


	13. Chapter 12 The Chapel Of Skorm

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 12: The Chapel of Skorm**

The air in Darkwood Forest began to feel colder as the young man slowly walked up the path toward the strange red light, and the closer he got to the small stone building that appeared up ahead, the more screams and cries for mercy that he was forced to listen to. He knew that as a hero, it was his duty to stop such atrocities, so he drew his sword, ran up the stairs, and kicked the door with all his strength.

He expected the door to easily break under his power, and for him to just barge in like _Mr. T _on _The A Team_, but the door was a lot stronger than he first thought. So he just bounced back, stumbled down the stairs, and ended up with a mouthful of dirt.

"Nice try!" He yelled as he got up. "But it will take more than that to stop a hero like _me_!"

He ran back up the stairs, ramming and kicking the door with all his strength for what seemed like hours until he stopped as he noticed a sign near the door that read: _PULL_. Taking a quick look around to make sure that no one saw that, Chris easily pulled open the door, and walked into a short hallway where the screams of agony became even louder.

It opened up into a rounded chamber where two men in dark robes were just kind of standing around, but as the young man looked around, he didn't see any signs of torture. A few seconds later one of the robed men noticed him, and gave his friend the kill it signal, causing the screams to stop as the other one pushed a button on his stereo.

"Welcome, newcomer." The first one said. "This is the Darkwood _Chapel of Skorm_."

"What the hell is going on here?" Chris replied. "I thought people were getting tortured in here or something."

"Not at all." The second one answered. "We were just listening to my _Carrot Top Live _CD while we were on lunch break."

"Anyway, as I said, this is the _Chapel of Skorm_." The first one continued. "Here our dark master grants power and really cool weapons to those willing to offer human souls. Longer life, cool nicknames, or even commemorative plates can all be yours in exchange for luring some dumbfuck here to be sacrificed. Interested?"

This was another of those times where Chris didn't know what to do. Technically these guys weren't doing anything wrong at the moment, but this place was really scary, and the statue of Skorm almost seemed to be looking at him.

"Come on, don't be a pussy." The second man said. "All you have to do is get some moron to follow you here, and then sacrifice them on cool things like The Rope Engine or The Acid Bath. It's not like most of the idiots in Albion will ever do anything productive with their lives anyway. All they do all day is wander around and wait for a hero to solve their problems, right?"

The young man agreed that he had a point, at least about that last part, but then a new sound reached his ears. It sounded like someone was dragging something heavy, and now he was_ certain _that he could hear muffled screams.

"Quiet, you little bitches!" A familiar voice ordered from behind the door. "I don't know why I didn't think of this _years_ ago; makes it much easier to deal with failures."

The door was kicked open a second later, even though the young man remembered having to pull it open the other way, and the Guildmaster walked in, dragging three apprentices behind him who were tied up and gagged.

"Alright boys, fire up _The Insect Swarm_." He said as he approached. "I got a three-for-one special for... Chicken Chaser?"

"Guildmaster?" Chris replied. "What are you doing here? Have you come to help me stop this evil?"

For a second it looked like the Guildmaster didn't know what to do, but then he dropped the rope and took an awesome looking red and black longbow off his arm. A glowing arrow materialized as he pulled the string back, and then the first robed man yelped as it flew into his chest.

"_Traitor_!" A booming voice howled from nowhere. "_Now you shall suffer my wrath_!"

The second robed man was suddenly charged with power, but the Guildmaster simply pulled back the string and shot the next arrow into his head, killing him even before he hit the ground.

"Wow, Guildmaster, you're the best!" The young man declared. "I can't believe you snuck in here with decoys just to stop this evil."

"Uh, sure... fighting the good fight." The Guildmaster replied. "How did you know they were decoys?"

"Because you let them go."

The Guildmaster turned around and gasped as he saw that the tied up apprentices had escaped and were now running back down the path. Quickly aiming and pulling the string back on his bow, he let out a frustrated growl a second later as they vanished behind some trees.

"Come back here!" He yelled as he ran after them. "How am I supposed to finish my _Legends of NASCAR _commerative plate set?!"

Satisfied that the evil of Skorm's Chapel was stopped, and feeling good in the knowledge that the Guildmaster still had his back, Chris had a spring in his step as he started back down the path that took him all the way back to the trader's camp where the men he was escorting were waiting for his return.

"Oh, Avo." The first one said. "He's back already."

"Fear not, good people." The young man proudly declared as he reached them. "We may now continue on our way to Barrow Fields, for I have defeated the evil of Skorm with the help of Guildmaster Weaver."

"The Guildmaster?!" The second one exclaimed. "But he's one of Skorm's biggest supporters!"

"No, no, that was just a trick to get close to them. He had this wicked bow that made magic arrows, and it was like _whoosh-whoosh_, and the robed men were dead."

"That was Skorm's Bow, you half-wit!" The first one yelled. "No... you know what? Let's just get going so that we can get away from you."

The young man agreed that enough time had been wasted, and it was indeed time to move on. So with full heroic confidence restored, the young man led the travelers away from the trader's camp and deeper into Darkwood.


	14. Chapter 13 Barrow Fields

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 13: Fear And Loathing In Barrow Fields**

After leaving the trader's camp, the young man led the travelers through swamps and over hills, until a great excitement filled the group as they saw the cave that would take them out of Darkwood Forest.

"There it is!" The first man yelled. "Barrow Fields is just through that cave!"

"Hold on a second." Chris said when they were about to make a run for it. "You guys wait here while I check it out."

The travelers hid behind a nearby piece of an old fence as he walked up toward the cave, and for once nothing was there waiting for him. No bandits, no balverines, no nothing. So he was just about to tell the others that it was safe, when his words were stopped as a very large Earth Troll burst up from the ground right in front of him.

He tried to run away, but the troll was too fast as it reached down and grabbed him. He struggled to get free, but the creature was just too powerful, causing it to laugh at him before it began to slam him into the ground repeatedly.

"He's distracting it; what a hero." The second man said. "Now's our chance to sneak by it undetected."

So they came out of hiding and easily made it to the cave while the young man continued to be swung around and slammed into things by the troll. Then it started to spin while holding him by his ankles, making him go faster and faster until finally letting go. Chris screamed as he flew into the short cave, and he was just reaching the other side when he slammed into the ground and slid to a stop right next to the travelers.

"Hero, you've done it!" The first man declared. "Come on, I know the way from here!"

The young man spit out dirt as he looked up to see that he was now at the start of a beautiful meadow, and there was no danger in sight. Not only that, but somehow it had become daytime. So he pulled himself to his feet and followed the others down a curved path to a place where a trader's stand had been set up.

"Welcome, stranger." The merchant said as he approached. "Got some good things on sale, and if I were you, I'd pay special attention to the brownies because they are... _magic_."

He offered the young man one as a sample, and no sooner had he bitten into it than his vision started to blur. He also began to feel hot. So hot, in fact, that he had to take off his shirt as his thoughts all started to blur together.

"I don't know what to do anymore!" He screamed as he climbed up onto a table. "I'm not really a good hero! One time the Guildmaster made me rub his feet, and I kind of liked it!"

Everything looked all weird now as the field became a swirl of colors, but now he was starting to feel sick and his thoughts became so twisted up that he was getting scared.

"This is all your fault, merchant!" He screamed while pointing accusingly in the wrong direction. "You sold me drugged brownies! You are a bad man! A bad, bad, _bad _man!"

"Ok, stranger, listen up." The merchant replied. "Those brownies came from the Bowerstone bakery; I do not put drugs in my treats... so put your shirt on, white boy."

Suddenly Chris's vision became clear as all the effects he had been feeling magically faded away. Everyone else in the field was now staring and laughing at him, so he decided to get out of there. Running back up the hill, the young man stopped before entering the cave back to Darkwood, but there was a second path to the side, so he tried it.

There was a sign next to some old gates that said GREY HOUSE, and he was about to continue on, when he was suddenly stopped by a magical barrier that appeared in front of him. Still the laughter of those people in the field could be heard, so he tried another path that went slightly down the hill to another demon door.

"Hold on there, sonny Jim." The door said as he approached. "My cousin in Darkwood told me all about you... he said you peed yourself when the guardian appeared."

"That is... completely untrue." The young man replied. "Now how do I get you to open?"

"The answer to that question is simple: All you have to do is go to the center of Barrow Fields, demand everyone's attention, and proudly declare that your name is _Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny_."

He just stared at the door, and the door stared back until the young man sighed as he hung his head. The stories he had heard about the treasures hidden within the demon doors made him feel like they would make him the most powerful hero to ever live, and if he had to do some silly thing, then so be it.

So he went back to where the merchants were set up, climbed back up onto the table, and whistled to get everyone's attention.

"Excuse me, may I have your attention please?" He called as they came forward to see what was going on. "I just wanted to let you all know that my name is... Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny."

Everyone just stood there for a second, and then started laughing. The young man also started to laugh with them, that is, until he was hit in the face with a piece of rotten fruit. He was just wiping it off his face, when another one hit him in the chest, and suddenly everyone was throwing so much fruit at him that he slipped in the juices and fell screaming onto the table.

"Hey, stranger!" The merchant yelled. "Wake up!"

Opening his eyes, the young man found that he was lying on the path. There was no crowd, no one was throwing fruit, and no one was laughing at him.

"What happened?" Chris asked as he got up.

"You ate my magic brownies, stranger." The merchant proudly replied. "Powerful as shit, huh?"

He brushed himself off, and took a second look around to see if anything he had seen before was still around, but there was nothing. Either way, he didn't want to stay in this place any longer, so it was time to move on.

"What's down that other path?" He asked.

"Some small town." The merchant replied. "Nothing ever happens there, though."

"I'll take it."

He turned around and started running for the gate, only to fall on his face instead.

"Sorry about that, stranger." The merchant continued. "I tied your boot laces together while you were tripping because I thought it would be funny."

The merchant started laughing as Chris fixed his boot laces, and then he got up and ran toward the town gates.


	15. Chapter 14 Return To Oakvale

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 14: Return To Oakvale**

Walking through the gates into the small town, it took the young man a few moments to realize where he was. A thousand horrible memories flooded into his mind as his mind accepted that he was standing in Oakvale, his childhood home, and he started to sweat as an attractive woman walked up to him.

"Hey, I remember you." She said. "Weren't you the boy who tried to make me think you stole my imaginary teddy bear? Yeah, the one who was always getting beat up?"

He didn't answer, instead starting to drool as the memories of the town burning left his eyes widened as they became bloodshot. Then he began to nervously look back and forth as the whole world started to spin. It spun faster and faster as memories of bandits and fire grew more intense until he screamed as he ran full speed into a tree.

"Yep, that's him." She said as he fell on his butt. "Some things never change."

Chris had knocked himself out cold, and the sun was going down by the time he woke back up. Everyone was going into their homes and locking the doors for the night, so he wandered around until he saw a group of guys gathering behind a barn. So he followed them and was just about to ask what was going on, when their leader came out.

"Welcome, everyone." He said as he walked into the center of a dirt circle. "I'm Mike Tyson, leader of this Fist Fighter's gang."

"Is this guy strong?" The young man whispered to the guy next to him.

"Excuse me, who the fuck said anyone could talk?"

The whole gang fell silent, and then everyone moved away from the young man as they all pointed their fingers at him.

"The new guy, huh?" Mike asked as he walked up to him. "So tell me, new guy, what did you have to say that was so important that it couldn't wait for me to finish?"

"I heard what he said, boss." Another guy replied. "He was asking how a guy your size can have such a funny voice."

"What?! Get his ass in the ring!"

"I didn't say that!" The young man protested.

"Don't be a pussy, man." The guy next to him whispered. "And to answer your question, he's somewhere between really tough and invincible. Good luck, friend."

They pushed him into the center of the dirt circle, and the next thing he saw was Mike Tyson's fist coming at him. The blow sent him stumbling backwards until he fell on his ass, and he was struggling to get up when Mike kicked him in the groin, making him collapse.

"You wanna make fun of me?" He asked. "Then you're gonna talk like me too."

For the next ten minutes Mike Tyson smacked him around, tossing him like a rag doll, and finally upper cutting him in the chin so hard that the young man flew backwards, eventually crashing through a pile of wooden boxes. Everyone laughed at him as Mike walked toward him to continue the beating, but the sun rises very fast in Albion, so he stopped and hissed suddenly as the first rays of light appeared.

"The evil light reappears!" He yelled. "Run for it!"

The fist fighters quickly ran away as the sun came up, and soon the town of Oakvale started coming back to life as a voice announced from nowhere that the shops were now open. So the young man slowly picked himself up, and stumbled his way back into town where he saw a familiar person waving to him.

"Chris!" Maze called. "Over here!"

The leader of the Heroes Guild was also holding a red bucket as the young man walked over to him, and on it was written: _RED CROSS, PLEASE DONATE_.

"Hello, Maze." Chris said happily. "What are you doing all the way out here?"

"I'm collecting money for the rent." He replied. "Sure, it's not very nice, but neither is how much I have to pay for the Guild each month."

Suddenly a man in a Santa Claus suit walked over and set up a _Salvation Army _coin bucket. Then he began ringing a small bell to get everyone's attention.

"Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!" He called. "Please donate to help out your fellow man!"

In response to this, Maze walked up to him with a smile before bashing him over the head with the _Red Cross _bucket, making the bell roll across the ground as the Santa man collapsed.

"Sorry, Santa." Maze said as he dumped all the man's coins into his own bucket. "But _I'm_ working this side of the street."

"Oh, my God!" A woman exclaimed as she came by. "What happened to Santa?!"

"He, um, has narcolepsy! Yeah, that's it, narcolepsy! Please donate so that we can find a cure for this poor man."

She put a few coins into his bucket before walking away, and Maze chuckled to himself while taking a few more donations before finally turning back to Chris. His bucket was full, so he set it down behind some bushes, and then cleared his throat.

"Well, that's enough business for one day." He continued. "Anyway, I called you over because I have some news about your sister. See, I heard a rumor about a blind Seeress who lives with a large and bloodthirsty group of bandits, led by the bandit king Twinblade. She might be able to help you."

"How do I find them?" Chris asked.

"Simple: Just head down to the beach and go through the cave. From there you'll have to sneak through the main gate, and you'll need a disguise to get in the rest of the way. Also, don't plant corn in the winter. This has nothing to do with your quest, but its good advice just the same. Well, my bucket's full, so see you later."

Maze picked up the bucket before being surrounded by light as he teleported away, and the young man wasted no time heading toward the cave by the beach.


	16. Chapter 15 The Bandit Camp

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 15: Sneaking Into The Bandit Camp**

After going across the beach and through a cave that had an upward slope, the young man found himself on a trail that followed alongside the cliff. Off in the distance he could see a large wooden gate that was probably where he needed to go, and he was about to run toward it, when he stopped as he saw three bandits standing in the middle of the trail.

Taking cover behind one of the thicker trees, Chris looked at the bandits as he weighed his options. The first option was to turn around and forget all about the Seeress, but that wouldn't get him very far. The second option was to attack the bandits head-on, but there was a risk of them calling for reinforcements, which could get him hurt or killed. Finally, the third option was to stay hidden while making his way past them.

"Three it is!" He shouted before suddenly clamping his hand over his mouth.

Realizing what he had just done, the young man dove into a large bush for cover as the bandits started looking around.

"Did you hear that?" The first one asked. "Sounded like some idiot screaming like a damn fool."

"Nayh, couldn't be." The second one replied. "Only a complete dumbshit retard would try to sneak in."

"Not only that." The third one added. "But what kind of a jackass would actually _want _to get in here?"

All three bandits nodded in agreement before relaxing, and the young man sighed with relief as they stopped looking around. What he needed now was a way of getting past them, and that's when a brilliant idea hit him. So he pulled the bush out of the ground, and now only his feet could be seen as he walked toward the gate.

Suddenly a question mark appeared above the first bandit's head, and Chris dropped down to the ground as he came closer to investigate.

"What was _that _noise?" The bandit asked as he walked right up to the bush.

He walked around it for several seconds, repeatedly pausing and walking a bit more before turning away as the question mark vanished.

"Just a bush." The bandit said as he walked back to the others.

The young man was amazed that his plan had actually worked, and was filled with even more confidence that ever before as he continued on toward the gate. For once he had done something right completely on his own, and now his head was filling with visions of what life would be like once the others back at the Guild heard about it.

Whisper and Briar Rose would be so impressed that they would want to sleep with him... maybe at the same time, Maze would be super proud of him for making the Guild look good, and the Guildmaster would probably stop abusing him for a few minutes. He was so caught up with these daydreams that he didn't notice the rock in the roar until he tripped over it, causing his disguise to disintegrate as he fell on his face.

The bush was gone, and now exclamation points appeared over the bandits' heads as they looked at him.

"Who the hell is_ that_?!" The first bandit yelled as they came after him. "Shut the gates!"

The young man had no choice but to run for it as the heavy wooden gate started closing, so he jumped to his feet and sprinted as fast as humanly possible. At the last second he ran through, and it looked like he made it, until the gate finished closing and he screamed as a horrible pain shot through his body. It was only then that he realized that his ass had gotten caught in the gate.

Back outside he could hear the bandits laughing at him, and then he cried out in pain as they started kicking him in the ass. He must've been kicked about ten times before he was finally pushed through, and then the gate locked once it finished closing. The young man was glad that no one was around to hear his pathetic weeping while he waited for the pain to stop, but once it did he realized that he would need a better disguise.

Looking around for a second, he discovered a bunch of clothes lying on a wooden fence, and scattered among these clothes was everything he would need for a complete set of bandit gear. There were some more bandits walking down the road, so he ran along the fence, quickly grabbing clothes and shoving them into his bag.

"Did you hear what happened to Phil?" The first once asked as Chris dove into the bushes. "They were about to let some new guy into their gang, but the guards killed him and all his men during their song."

The other one shook his head in sorrow as the young man changed into the clothes he had grabbed, and then he jumped out of the bushes, only to be confused as he noticed that the bandit gear was still on the wooden fence.

"Hey there, pretty thing." The second bandit said. "She'll do nicely."

The young man was even more confused by this, until he looked down at himself and gasped in horror as he saw that instead of bandit gear, he was wearing a dress and a red wig. There was no time to say anything or get away as the bandits grabbed him, and then they tossed him into a caged wagon along with three women.

"We're gonna have fun with you three." The first bandit laughed as he locked the cage. "_Loads_ of fun."

The wagon started moving, and all of the bandits along the road whistled at them as they were driven past. Soon they passed through another gate into a camp that was completely filled with bandits, and then they were taken up a small hill where the cage was dropped onto the ground.

"Now, you ladies wait here." The second bandit said. "We'll be back for you tonight."

The two bandits walked away laughing, leaving Chris to figure out how to get out of the cage. But at least he had made it into the camp, and was that much closer to his goal.


	17. Chapter 16 The Bandit King

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 16: The Bandit King**

The young man paced back and forth in the cage, wondering how he was supposed to get out. The bars were solid and so was the lock, but the good news was that there were no bandits around to distract him from coming up with a plan. Then he noticed a small campfire being started a short distance away, and the men around it didn't look like bandits.

"Hey!" He called quietly while waving to them. "Hey, you guys! Over here!"

"What do you want, girl?" The first one asked as the three of them came over to investigate.

"I'm not a girl."

He took off the wig, and the three men gasped as they took a step back.

"Wow." The second one said. "The bandit king's standards have really gone down."

"I'm here from the Heroes Guild." Chris explained. "And I need you guys to let me out and cause a distraction so that I can get into the bandit king's camp."

"Oh, is that all?" The third one asked. "And just how much are you willing to pay?"

Honestly the young man wasn't sure how much gold he still had, and he was getting his coin bag to check, when one of the men grabbed it from his hands.

"Hey!" Chris yelled.

"Pleasure doing business with you." The first one laughed as they walked away.

So there he was, trapped in the cage without a way out, and no way to distract the guards away from the bandit king's area. His last resort was to check the lock to see if it had been left open or something, but then he fell into despair as he realized that it had not.

"By Skorm, you're an idiot." One of the women in the cage with him said as she pushed him out of the way. "Let me show you how to get out."

She took a pin out of her hair, and within a few seconds the lock had popped open. Then she pushed him out the door, only to close the cage and lock it again.

"Thanks." The young man said. "But, aren't you going to escape?"

"No way." The other girl replied. "We're getting paid a fortune to be at this party, so get out of here before you ruin this whole gig for us."

The young man started to protest, but stopped as she took off her shoe and tossed it, hitting him in the face. So he ran behind a tree and did an instant costume change, coming back out in his normal clothes a few seconds later. It was slow going as he moved across the camp from behind tree to tree as he moved toward the bandit king's area.

Thankfully none of the bandits were really paying attention as he crept behind them and through the next gate, only to be stopped as he ran right into a gigantic man who was literally three times his size. He was armored from head to toe, carried a nasty sword in each hand, and was surrounded by a few dozen bandits.

"What the hell is this?" Twinblade asked as he looked down at him. "Who the fuck is this asshole?"

"That's Chicken Chaser." The nearest bandit replied. "He's the one who closed down the toll in Greatwood, and killed all our guys at Orchard Farm."

The young man waited nervously during the bandit's explanation, and desperately tried to think of a way out of this.

"It is?!" Twinblade exclaimed as he stepped back. "Holy crap, we should tell the boss!"

"You _are_ the boss." Another bandit replied.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I guess that also means that I gotta fuck this guy up a bit... no hard feelings, Chicken Chaser."

There was no chance for the young man to say anything or even move as Twinblade brought up his giant foot and kicked him in the chest, making the bandits cheer as Chris flew into the side of the fence before collapsing to the ground. Then the giant man stuck his swords into the ground, and the bandits cheered again as he lifted the young man over his head.

"I'm gonna dump him over the cliff!" Twinblade declared. "Be right back."

He carried Chris down another path that took them far away from the other bandits, and past the trees there was a really high cliff. As they reached the edge it looked like this was to be the last adventure for this young hero. However, some of the ground eroded out from under Twinblade's foot, causing him to scream and slip over the edge as the young man landed on the very edge.

The bandit king was gone, and Chris had no choice but to go back and face the bandits, but instead of wanting a fight, they all appeared to be frightened of him when he came back to the main area. This was one of those times when he wasn't sure what to do, but he wanted to let them know that he wanted peace now that the fight was over.

So he raised his arms to get their attention, and they responded by screaming and scrambling over each other as they ran for the gate. Soon they were all gone, but a few seconds later a young woman came walking out of Twinblade's tent.

"What the fuck is all that racket?" She demanded as she walked up to him. "Oh, it's _you_."

"Are-are you the Seeress?" He asked nervously.

She gave a disappointed _huff _as she shook her head, but then she spun him around and kicked him in the rear, making him eat the dirt.

"Theresa!" The young man exclaimed as he spit out the dirt.


	18. Chapter 17 Long Lost Sister

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 17: Long Lost Sister**

_ Theresa was forced to watch as her worthless drunk of a father was quickly smacked down during the Oakvale raid, and then her mother was taken prisoner. The bandits had several nights of fun with her before leaving her to die in the forest, where she wandered around for several days before encountering Twinblade and his gang. The bandit king's complete absence of mind allowed her to control his every move, and her natural talent for maiming and torture made her enemies back the hell off. She also had a bit of talent for seeing the future, which explained why the bandits had been doing so well._

Chris was overjoyed to have been reunited with his long lost sister, even though the next thing she did was punch him in the mouth, making him fall on his back. Then she made him stand up, swung him around by the arm, and let go so that he fell into the fire. The young man screamed as he rolled out while smacking his ass until the fire went out, and then he saw Theresa looking down at him with disappointment.

"Why are you so worthless?!" She demanded as she kicked him. "I had a good thing going here with Twinblade, and then you just _had_ to come along and fuck it up for me, didn't you?"

He tried to explain himself, but was interrupted as she started kicking and stomping him for about a minute before suddenly calming down. Then she knelt down to his level, and shoved her finger in his face.

"You're lucky, Chris, you know that?" She asked. "I would kill you right here, but my visions of the future tell me that it isn't quite time for your dumpy ass to get snuffed out just yet. That, and I need you to find mother."

"Mother?!" The young man exclaimed. "Mother's alive?!"

"No, I want you to find her because she's dead. What the hell do you think?! Now, I'm gonna try to find some more information on where she's been taken, and you just get the fuck out of my sight and do... whatever it is that you do. In fact, use your seal and go back to your guild before I get _really _mad."

He covered his face and screamed as he thought that she was going to hit him again, but instead she touched the guild seal, causing him to be surrounded with light as the bandit camp faded away. When he uncovered his eyes, he was sitting on a stone floor next to a familiar map of Albion, and then he wished that he was still with Theresa when he saw the Guildmaster looking down at him.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing back here?" He demanded.

"Well, first there was the wasp queen." Chris explained. "Then there were a bunch of bandit gangs, a cannibal, Orchard Farm got attacked, and I got chased around a candy house by an old lady with scissors. _Then_ I got into Darkwood, and...

He was interrupted as the Guildmaster grabbed him by the front of the shirt and made him stand up. Then he started to smack him in the face repeatedly.

"This is for making an ass out of yourself without permission." The Guildmaster said. "And this is for breathing my oxygen on a regular basis, and this is for ruining my chance to complete my NASCAR plate set!"

He smacked the young man a few more times before pushing him back down to the floor.

"I swear to Avo, Chicken Chaser!" The Guildmaster yelled. "You had best stop embarrassing my Guild, or I will stomp a mud-hold in your ass the size of _Calcutta_! Have you ever been to Calcutta, Chicken Chaser?! It's fucking _huge_! Now Maze wants to see you in his quarters; why are you not gone yet?!"

The young man took off running out of the map room as the Guildmaster started to throw things at him, and he was headed for the stairs that led to Maze's quarters, when he was suddenly stopped by Thunder.

"Come to play with the other children, have you?" The giant hero asked. "Whisper should've taught you a lesson at Orchard Farm, but she seems to have a soft spot for you."

"Um, Thunder, is it?" Chris asked nervously. "Do you even know Whisper?"

"Of course I do; she's my sister. But I should warn you that if you're about to tell me she's not, like the other pricks around here have been doing for the past eight years, I'm gonna have to use my training to...

The giant hero's rant was interrupted by a beer bottle shattering at his feet.

"Thunder, what the hell are you doing in my Guild?!" The Guildmaster's voice demanded. "Get the hell out, or I swear I'm gonna shove that stupid helmet up your ass!"

More beer bottles shattered at the hero's feet, causing Thunder to scream as he ran away, and this allowed Chris to continue up to Maze's quarters. He found the leader of the Heroes Guild standing near the window, and he was muttering to himself as he looked through what appeared to be a telescope.

"Yeah, baby, wash the soap off." Maze said as the young man approached. "Yeah, don't forget the feet, you naughty little apprentices."

Chris then tapped Maze on the shoulder, making the older man scream with surprise as he knocked the telescope through the window, raining shattered glass on the path below.

"Damn it, Guildmaster, wait your turn!" Maze yelled as he turned around. "Oh, Chris, it's you... um, I was just, um, keeping a watchful eye on all my apprentices. Yeah, that's it. Because the first rule of being a good leader is keeping track of your underlings. Anyway, I heard that your sister is still alive, so yay for that, but I called you up here to ask you a favor."

He motioned for the young man to follow him away from the window, and closer to the stairs where Maze began talking in a hushed voice after checking to make sure that no one was listening in.

"I called you here because I want you to track down a shitbag, er, I mean a friend of mine." Maze continued. "You see, he is in grave danger, and I need to find him so that I can have him killed, er, I mean to keep him safe. He is rumored to be somewhere around Witchwood, and the Guildmaster can tell you how to get there. Ready, go."

"You can count on me, Maze." Chris replied proudly.

The young man was so proud of himself for receiving such an important quest, that he ran to find the Guildmaster, but forgot about the stairs, causing Maze to shake his head as he heard the crashing and screaming.

"Now where am I gonna get another telescope?" Maze asked himself.


	19. Chapter 18 Onward To Witchwood

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 18: Onward To Witchwood**

After that short tumble down the stairs and into the suits of armor that were now scattered in pieces across the floor, the young man got to his feet and headed back toward the map room where the Guildmaster was still hanging around. His old trainer then got a disappointed look on his face when the young man came running into the room.

"What do you want now, Chicken Chaser?" He asked. "Can't you see I'm doing absolutely nothing, here?"

"But Guildmaster." Chris protested. "Maze is sending me to Witchwood, and he said that you'd show me how to get there."

"Did he, now? Well, today's your lucky day, Chicken Chaser, because Witchwood just happens to be _a kick in the nuts _away from here."

The young man was confused by this answer, but had no time to voice this confusion as the Guildmaster suddenly kicked him between the legs. This caused him to bend forward as he stumbled backwards into the Guild's Cullis Gate, and then next thing he knew, the young man was falling into the mud in the middle of a rain-filled forest. There was also a sign next to him that read:

_WELCOME TO WITCHWOOD_

_I'D TURN BACK IF I WERE YOU_

"Thanks, Guildmaster." The young man said to himself as he got up. "Something tells me that this is the place."

He started walking down the trail, and was rounding the corner when he came to another demon door.

"Not so fast, traveler." It said as he approached. "If you want in, then you have to figure out my name."

"Is it Bob?" Chris asked.

The demon door just looked at him as its eyebrows narrowed.

"Are you fucking serious?" It asked. "I had this whole stone puzzle set up, and ambushes for wrong answers, and a cool Indiana Jones boulder chase. But then you came along and just _guessed_ on the first try? You know what, fuck you? Go on in before I decide to just collapse on you."

The face on the door slowly faded away until there was just a door in front of the young man, and then there was a rumbling sound as it slowly opened. Chris couldn't believe that after years of trying, he had finally opened a demon door. Soon its legendary treasure and secrets would be his, so he ran excitedly into the small cave, only to be stopped in his tracks by a frightened looking man who screamed once he saw him.

"Hey, hey, stop there!" He yelled while backing away. "Who the hell are you?!"

"I'm Chris from the Heroes Guild." The young man proudly replied. "Are you Maze's friend?"

"_Friend_?! He's the one who...

Suddenly they were interrupted as a whole bunch of guards stormed into the cave. They immediately tackled and seized the terrified man. They then dragged him out of the cave, and the leader of the guards came up to the young man.

"Thanks for getting the door open, hero." He said as the man kept screaming. "We're here to take this man into, um, protective custody. Yeah, that's it, and we now need to subdue him so that he doesn't know where the safe house is."

The screaming stopped as one of the other guards bashed the scared man in the head with a billy club, and then they dragged him away. The young man was proud of himself for doing such a good job in getting Maze's friend into protective custody, and now that his Guild business was over for the time being, he was free to explore Witchwood.

So he walked away from the demon door, and continued down the path until he came to a very impressive and beautiful building that looked a bit like a church. There was soft music coming from inside as he approached, and it was nice to be out of the rain when he stepped through the open doorway.

There was a warm fire in the fireplace, every window was stained glass, and there was a single robed priest standing by a small fountain. This place was so nice and peaceful that the young man felt immediately comforted as he walked farther in.

"Welcome to the _Temple of Avo_." The priest said. "Please place your gold into the fountain to receive his blessings. For only through generous parting of yourself with your gold, can you be given all of the goodies that the Gods have to offer."

The young man only had a little bit of gold left hidden in his sock, since the rest had been stolen in the bandit camp, and he wasn't about to give it over to some God, especially since the last one he talked to had wanted human sacrifices.

"Sorry, but I'm afraid I'll have to pass." Chris replied.

"Oh, that _is_ unfortunate." The priest said before snapping his fingers.

Suddenly two really big guards came out from behind the curtains. They grabbed the young man and punched him in the stomach to stop him from resisting. Then they shoved his head into the water and held him there for a few seconds before pulling him back up.

"Let's try again." The priest continued. "If you give freely of your gold, then you will receive the blessings of Avo... that, and my friends won't do _this_ anymore."

The guards shoved his head under water again, this time holding him down there even longer so that he was coughing and choking when they finally brought him back up. Then they picked him up so that he was upside down, and started to roughly shake him until all of his remain gold had fallen into the fountain.

"Thank you, Avo is pleased." The priest said as the guards up righted him. "As a reward, you are blessed with _not _having your legs broken. Now get out."

The guards wasted no time in running the young man out, letting go of his arms so that he flew out the open archway and crashed into the mud. The priest and guards were laughing as he dragged himself out of the mud, and the young man was beginning to understand why a lot of people became atheists.

"Stupid Gods." He grumbled to himself as he walked away.


	20. Chapter 19 The Terror Of Knothole Glade

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 19: The Terror Of Knothole Glade**

Walking away from the Temple of Avo, the first thing that the young man noticed was a small group of people gathered behind the building, so he walked over to investigate. Politely moving his way to the front of the crowd, he saw that everyone was standing around a sword that was imbedded in a rock, and there was a young boy standing in front of it with a man in a blue robe.

"Go on, lad." The blue robed man said. "Take the sword, and fulfill your destiny."

The boy pulled up his sleeves before grabbing the handle of the sword, and then the crowd cheered as he pulled it from the stone on the first try. But then there was a flash of light as the Guildmaster appeared in the same way that Maze was always doing, and the crowd gasped as he kicked the boy in the groin while taking the sword.

"Thanks, kid." He said as the wizard walked up to him. "I've been waiting for years for someone to pull that out."

"What do you think you're doing?!" The wizard demanded as lightning gathered in his hands. "I shall strike you dead for robbing this child of his dest...

The wizard's words became a scream as the Guildmaster took a can of mace from his pocket and sprayed it into his eyes. He laughed while pushing the wizard over, and then the light surrounded him as he vanished, leaving the crowd confused. A heavy air of disappointment was now lingering, and all hope for these people seemed lost.

"To the Knothole Glade tavern!" A man suddenly screamed. "We'll get drunk to forget our problems!"

The crowd cheered as they moved away from the now empty stone, and the young man was carried away with them as they headed down another path toward the nearest town. The path winded through the forest and crossed a small bridge to where lights could be seen in the distance. Everyone continued to cheer and laugh as they reached the gate, but everything stopped as they realized that something was wrong.

The large wooden gates were locked tight, and there was blood and bodies scattered around everywhere. Suddenly there was a rustling in the large bushes, and out jumped a pack of bloodthirsty balverines.

"Ok, I have a plan." Chris said as the beasts closed in. "But that means that we all have to work together, ok guys?... Guys?"

He turned around just in time to see the last of the group disappearing down the trail where they came from, leaving him alone as the balverines attacked. So he screamed as he ran up to the gate, and pounded on it furiously to be let in. There was no answer, and then one of the beasts leapt at him for the kill, so the young man screamed again as he climbed over the gate, only to fall over the other side and crash into a mud puddle.

"Hey, did you just come over the gate?" The Village Chief asked. "How the hell did you get up there?"

Chris looked back up at the gate, and was surprised to see that it was over fifty feet high. Honestly, he didn't know how he had managed to accomplish that feat, and hoped that he wouldn't have to try and explain it.

"It doesn't matter." The Chief continued. "Are you from the Guild? If so, then we need you to save us from the horrible monster that's been terrorizing our village for weeks now."

"I sure am from the Guild." The young man declared proudly while getting up. "So what kind of monster are we talking about?"

"The one standing right behind you."

The young man turned around to see a large fist coming at him, making him fly across the road and crash into a bunch of boxes. When the world stopped spinning, Chris looked up to see the same white balverine that he had seen in Darkwood, and it was coming at him again, so he jumped out of the way, making the beast break the rest of the boxes.

"Good luck, hero!" The Chief yelled as the villagers ran into their houses. "Let us know how it turns out!"

The monster came at him again, so the young man repeated his earlier feat by climbing up the wall and dropping to the other side, and having to run away as the white balverine came after him by crashing through the wall. He ran down the path and across the small bridge, but then the creature caught up to him and backhanded the hero, making Chris cry out as he tumbled down a small hill.

The hill ended at a shallow lake, and the young man was just getting to his feet, when the white balverine dropped down right in front of him. The beast roared in his face, making Chris turn white as a urine stain appeared on his pants, and then it raised its claw for the death blow, when suddenly an alarm went off.

"Aw, shit, lunch break's over." The monster said as it looked at its Mickey Mouse watch. "I gotta get back to the demon door, so see ya around."

"Lunch break?" The young man asked as it ran away.

After coming back to reality, he trudged his way out of the lake and walked back to town, where the people cheered for him as they came running out of their homes.

"Hooray, hero, you drove off the beast!" The Chief exclaimed. "We heard the roaring and feared the worst, but here you are."

"I did?" Chris asked.

"Poor hero must be in shock." A villager suggested. "And after fighting off a beast like that, who wouldn't be? Three cheers for the hero!"

The villagers cheered for him, and it was nice, but he was still a little confused, so he just let it go on until another man came up to him.

"Alright, outa the way, official _UPS_ business." He said. "Are you Chicken Chaser?"

"That's me." Chris replied.

"Great, I got some packages for you. Let's see, here's a letter from someone named Theresa, and a package from the Guildmaster."

He signed for the letter and package, received a quick punch in the stomach for not having any gold left to give the man a tip. Soon he had recovered, and decided to open the letter from his sister first. There wasn't much to it; just a request to meet her at the Grey House near Barrow Fields. But then he jumped for joy once he saw what the Guildmaster had sent.

"It's a nomination for me to fight in the Witchwood Arena!" He yelled happily. "Finally I am going to get the recognition that I deserve!"

He wasted no time in putting the nomination in his pocket, and then he took off running away from Knothole Glade as the villagers continued to cheer.


	21. Chapter 20 Deception In The Arena

**Fable: Guild of Zeros**

**Chapter 20: Deception In The Arena**

Moving away from Knothole Glade, the young man read over his nomination while following the signs to the arena. It read:

_Dear Chicken Chaser, this letter is to inform you that you have been selected over all other heroes in the Guild to fight in the Witchwood Arena. This is an incredible honor, and I am confident that the train you received from me in addition to your real-world experience will enable you to succeed. In other words, don't fuck this up, or I'll fuck you up._

_ Kindest regards, Guildmaster Weaver._

The arena was not far past the shallow lake where he had, um, _confronted_ the white balverine, so it was not long before he could see the arena entrance just a short ways up the path. The cheers from the crowd within, as well as the knowledge that they were about to be cheering for him, made him so excited that he didn't notice the patch of wet grass as he ran.

The young man's feet flew out from under him as he sailed through the door as the guards were opening them for another competitor. Chris and the other competitor fell to the floor and slid to a stop against the wall, where a suit of armor was knocked over. The helmet also fell onto the other competitor's head, knocking him out.

"Wow, what an entrance!" The guard exclaimed as the young man got up. "You must be the Chicken Chaser the Guildmaster told us about. He said you were different, but who knew that you would start taking out the competition right from the go? Anyway, just head down the hall, and you will find the arena."

The door closed as the young man started down the hall, and the door at the end opened up into a kind of preparation room where other fighters were warming up. There were practice dummies, archery targets, and even what looked like a little shop. Chris was glad to see such a place, since he was horribly unprepared to enter the arena.

However, he took a single step inside, when some guards grabbed him. They dragged him across the preparation room, and toward another set of doors where he could hear the cheering more loudly. Then another guard opened the door just enough for the others to shove him through, and he received a mouthful of dirt as the crowd cheered.

"_Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Chicken Chaser_." The announcer said as Chris got up. "_This young hero is best known for quests like defeating Twinblade, and ending the Fisher Creek Cannibal's reign of terror_."

The crowd cheered for him again, but then the door across the arena opened, and the young man was shocked to see Whisper walk out as the crowd got even louder.

"_And our second competitor this evening is Whisper_." The announcer continued. "_Best known for taking quests that are opposite of the protagonist's alignment, and for being one sweet piece of ass_."

The crowd continued to cheer for both of them, while the two heroes just looked at each other.

"Hi, Whisper." The young man said happily. "Did you get nominated by the Guildmaster, too?"

"What do you mean, _too_?" She replied. "My letter says I'm the only one who is competing today."

They quickly exchanged letters, realizing that each one said the same thing as the doors closed. What they didn't realize, however, was that the Guildmaster was sitting in the third row of the stands with a bucket of popcorn, chuckling to himself as he watched them.

"_Ladies and Gentlemen_." The announcer continued. "_In this, the first team match since the last appearance of Weaver and Thunder, we proudly present the very same creature that those two faced all those years ago. I give you, Arachanox_."

Suddenly a gigantic and super scary scorpion thing burst forth from the ground, and Whisper jumped out of the way to avoid its charge, while Chris screamed as it began chasing him around the arena. It slowly closed on him as the young man made a huge circle back around to where Whisper was, and the monster was right on top of him when Whisper tossed her staff.

The weapon flew right over Chris as it speared the monster right through its eyes, and then it collapsed from death just as the young man fell over from exhaustion. The crowd cheered as he caught his breath, and the monster's body evaporated as he got to his feet.

"_Wow, ladies and gentlemen_!" The announcer exclaimed. "_Arachanox is down; defeated using the exact same strategy used by Weaver and Thunder last time! What a team these two heroes are!_"

"Damn it to hell!" The Guildmaster yelled as he tossed his popcorn. "I just lost 500 gold!"

"I can't believe we did it." Whisper said as they waved to the crowd. "The Guildmaster must have known that we could only survive this as a team."

"_And now, your attention please_." The announcer continued. "_Here to present the prize is a very special guest that has not been seen in a hundred years. That's right, it's none other than the greatest damn duelist to ever fight in the arena. I give you, the one and only Jack of Blades!_"

The crowd roared to life as the masked red-hooded figure stepped out onto a pillar high above the arena, but then hushed as he raised his arms.

"Greetings, to all my fans." Jack said. "This arena is the best thing to hit Albion since the toaster. In fact, you might say that_ it's off the hizzel fo shizzel my nizzel_. Anyway, there are _two_ heroes standing in front of me, and only _one_ can win the prize, so it's a fight to the death... ready, go."


End file.
